Scapegoat

Last Friday, while I was getting dinner ready for FIVE kids, they were all playing in the living room. Things were going well and then Georgia said,

"Somting stinky!  I tink Vivian pooped!"

Then Sonya chimed in "Yeah, she pooped.  It stinks in here!"

Now, it's been almost a year since I've had to deal with a kid in diapers.  I know how they like to lie about their poop, at least mine did.  

"No, mother, I have no idea why I smell so badly. Pay no attention to that load in my diaper."

I don't know why they hated being changed.  So it was no surprise when I walked to Vivian and asked if she pooped and she gave me a flat out-"No."  Not believing her I checked her pants, but turns out she wasn't lying.  No poop.  Huh.  

"She didn't poop girls.  Maybe she just farted or something."

"Yeah, maybe," Georgia agreed.  

Then Sonya fessed up, "Actually, I farted."

"SONYA!"  I said.  "So you just blamed Vivian for you stinking up the room?"

"Yup!" She said, giggling.

It seems like she's practicing to be a grandfather.  

Ironmom

Hello everyone!  So when last I left you, I was about to embark on the journey that is five children.  ALL girls no less.  And look here I am on the other side!  I survived!  In fact, in some ways it was easier than I thought it would be and in other ways...well you people with 4 or more kids are a wee bit on the crazy side, is all I'm saying.  


My sister and her family came in the Thursday before Thanksgiving.  She and her husband left on Friday morning to head to Arizona for the weekend, as I mentioned, to support their friend competing in the Ironman there.  (Also a crazy person.)  Friday went pretty smoothly.  The girls all played well together and had fun.  I was breezing through this five kid thing on my own.  In fact so much so I thought, huh, maybe I could have another one.  I took care of them all day-FIVE OF THEM, cleaned the house, made dinner and STILL had energy for sex that night.  Oh sorry, that last part might have been too much information.  Then Saturday happened.  The good news was Andy was home to help.  The bad news, everyone of my girls had a MAJOR breakdown/temper tantrum between Saturday-Sunday.  


It started with Lana.  Who's surprised?  Then you haven't been reading this blog very long.  Thursday night she came down with a fever and threw up in the middle of the night.  Just what I needed as I was about to take care of two extra kids.  She continued the fever on Friday and stayed home from school, but seemed better by the end of the day.  I was so paranoid that this was going to get to everyone, but it didn't really.  My stomach was a little funky for a couple days, but nothing I couldn't handle.  I am constantly willing myself not to get sick, when I start to feel it.  I do NOT have time for that crap.  


Then on Saturday she woke up super cranky.  Maybe it was leftover sickness, but still, a cranky Lana is fun for no one.  Trust me.   In the morning, we went to a little get together for kids at the adult school I take her and Georgia to.  They had a drum band playing and an art project for the kids to do.  It was there that Lana started to lose it.  She decided she was hot, even though it was in the 60's.  She kept complaining about being hot, so I finally just let her take off her long sleeve shirt and walk around in her tank top undershirt.  I know she had to be cold, but that kid is so damn stubborn and refused to admit it.  So there she was in a tank top in the 60 degree weather. Needless to say, we were getting "you're a bad parent" looks from the other moms.  Whatever, you deal with her "I'MMM HOOOOTTT!!!" whine then.  


When we got in the car to go home she started screaming and crying about her seat belt and she never stopped.  As soon as we walked in the door I marched her to time out, where she proceeded to throw whatever object she could find at the bathroom door.  Warning to Lana's future boyfriends: Duck.  She's a thrower.  It was one of her bigger flip outs in a while and it took a good half hour to get her back to normal.  


Georgia wasn't in much of a mood for the competition of someone her age and younger than her.  Vivian needed the most attention and I had to give it to her.  Lana took a serious liking to Vivian and was glued to her side most of the weekend.  This sorta sent Georgia into a tailspin, since she is the baby in the house and Lana's usual partner in crime.  It came to head when we took all of them out to dinner at Outback.  I don't know why we are that crazy, we just are.  It seemed easier than cooking and cleaning at the time.  Georgia behaved terribly at dinner.  She whined and wouldn't eat.  Honestly, she is hardly like that.  Usually she gets in trouble for being to crazy and goofy when we go out.  She only got worse once we got home.   Hence the temper tantrum she threw followed by her own time-out, which she rarely gets.  


Then we had Sonya.  Who, I swear is way to old to be throwing the three year old type temper tantrum, yet every once in a while she does.  Bright and early Sunday morning is when she decided to throw down. I'm still not even sure what it was she was so upset about.  Something along the lines of wanting Lucy and Vivian in her bed, but not her sisters, but Lana and Georgia wanted to be with everyone, as did Lucy and Viv.  I tried to smooth it out and let them all go watch TV in the living room, but Sonya was NOT okay with that.  Andy came in and told Sonya to knock it off and serious crying and screaming ensued.  Well, he did tell her she was now confined to her room the whole day.  Why is it that the husbands go so far in the other direction?  It was 6:30 in the morning and now she was not only upset because she hadn't gotten what she wanted, but now she thought she couldn't leave her room the entire day, even to pee.  


Eventually, she got herself under control and was allowed to leave her room.  It just took a little while.  At 6:30 in the morning.  Yay.


And in all of this, my sister's girls were perfect.  There was really no whining and very little crying.  Vivian was a bit more upset on Sunday, but I think she was also not feeling well.  She decided I was her mom the entire weekend, because she kept calling for me, "Moooom!!"  It took me a bit to figure out she was talking to me.  I tried to tell her I was Auntie Kristi, but gave up by Saturday.  It wasn't until Megan came back that she realized I was "Kisti".  So the whole time I'm dealing with my demon children, I'm tying to figure out what the hell my sister is doing so right making her girls are so well behaved.  Where did I go wrong?  What kind of secret did she have?  Was it something she put in their cereal-and where can I get some?  


On Monday we picked Megan and Matt up from the airport and their girls were so excited to see them.  By the end of the evening, I realized that Megan didn't have a special secret.  Her girls did what most kids do.  They held their shit together while Mom and Dad were gone.  Lucy became more whiny than she had been all weekend and even ended up with her own temper tantrum and to time out.  Vivian was pretty much the same, but may have let loose a bit more with them around.  That temper tantrum that Lucy threw that night, made me feel so much better about my parenting skills.  I wasn't sucky at it.  I know my girls would have behaved just as her girls did if the situation was reversed.  They are always good at someone else's house.  Everytime they have a babysitter we always hear how great they went to bed.  (With the exception of Melinda, who they know well and feel they don't have to hold their shit together in front of)  When I put them to bed it's a good 45 minute excursion.  


So, turns out I made it through four days with five kids and I did a bang up job.  It was A LOT of work though. I didn't think I could spend anymore time in the kitchen than I do now, but guess what!  I did.  We had a fun Thanksgiving week when my sister and brother-in-law came back, despite our heater unit dying and our cat being on her last legs, but those are stories for other posts.  I do know for sure for sure now  that I am all good with my three girls.  All done now.  Vasectomy, here we come!  That was too much information again, wasn't it?

Trouble?

Sonya, Lucy, Vivian, Lana and Georgia

I should be able to handle all of them for four days, right?  I mean they LOOK harmless enough.  As long as nobody gets sick we'll be fine!  Just as long as nobody ends up with a fever and throwing up in the middle of the night it will be ALL GOOD!  Yup-healthy kids are easier to take care of, so this should be no problem....

....to be continued....  

Because I Am THAT Crazy

I thought I should warn you all that I may go missing from blogging for the next week or so.  The reason is that I'm about to gain two extra kids for four days.


Back in May my sister, Megan, told me she and her husband wanted to go to Arizona for a couple days.  They want to support one of their best friends who is going to do an Iron Man.  Let's not even go into how crazy THAT guy is.  I understand them wanting to go there to support him, because not many people can complete something that difficult.  They didn't want to bring their girls.  Lucy is three and Vivian is 18 months, so not exactly easy to run around cheering for someone running/biking/swimming with them in tow.  They thought that maybe they would wrap their trip to Arizona with coming to visit us, and spending Thanksgiving here. Sounds good!  Oh and also could I watch the girls for a few days while they were in Arizona?  Suuurree!  No problem!  I can handle it!  Perhaps something else that sounded better in my head.  Plus it was May and November was soooo far away.


Well, here we are in November and my sister and her family are ready to hop on a plane out here tomorrow morning.  Megan and Matt stay Thursday night, and leave on Friday leaving me ALL ALONE with FIVE KIDS!  FIVE!!!  ALL GIRLS NO LESS!  WHAT WAS I THINKING???  At least Andy will be here on Saturday and Sunday to help out and my sister gets back on Monday afternoon.   So, I will only have to be alone for like a day.  I can handle that!  I think.  God, I hope I can.  Just kidding Meg-I will be fine!!  Maybe.


Yeah, so needless to say I won't have much time for extra things like writing.  I don't know how I fit this in most days to begin with, but now that I have an extra 3 year old and and 18 month old to take care of, forget it.  Plus I have to change diapers again.  I've gotten very used to my non-diapered life.  I'm not sure I even remember how to do it anymore!


This is what family is for though.  In all seriousness I am excited to see my sister and her family.  We don't get to see each other pretty much ever.  Wisconsin might as well be the moon since I live in Los Angeles.  We can't exactly afford to fly five people all over the country whenever we want.  I wish we could.  So, it will be fun for our families to hang out and spend the holiday together.  And I love the fact that I get to watch my nieces for a couple days.  It's something we would probably do all the time for each other if we lived closer.  My girls will get to know their cousins better and I know we will have a fun, albeit crazy, time.  Even if I do have to break out the wine at 5pm on Friday night.


Meg-I can't wait to see you and hope you and Matt have a fabulous weekend sans kids.  Just remember you owe me one!  Oh and I do intend to collect.  Only to bad for you I have an extra one to watch.


I will update when I can.  I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about by the end of all this.

Seven Years Ago

Saturday, we celebrated Sonya's seventh birthday.  She had a fun filled day with a trip to Disney Studios to see a screening of the new Muppet Movie, (thanks to Melinda!), In-n-Out for lunch (also Melinda), then an evening slumber party.  That part sounded much better in my head than it did in person.  Five seven year olds in our house made it very, um, screechy in here.  Our house is not big enough for that much screechiness.  Sonya did have a great time, and fortunately only two of those girls actually spent the night.  However, I didn't plan to write about her party this weekend.  Instead I thought I'd give you all a story about baby Sonya.  Since I didn't start this blog until she was four, I didn't get to write about all the crazy baby stories that happened, what now seems like forever ago.  I know I've mentioned things here or there about when they were babies, but not an actual tale.  So in honor of her birthday, here is one of my favorites. Some of you may already know this one.  It's an oldie, but a goodie.


As I've mentioned time and time again, Sonya was a screamy baby.  Not colicky exactly, but she cried.  A LOT.  If she wasn't eating, sleeping, or in a trance next to the stove under the exhaust fan, she was crying.  Therefore I was stuck in the house for most of the first three months of her life.  I was afraid to go anywhere, unless I was sure she would stay asleep.  If she woke up, it was all over.  Once, I had to leave CVS in the middle of shopping, because her eyes popped open and she started to scream.  Now to be clear, that was the new mom Kristi.  The experienced mom of three kids Kristi, would just let her scream until I was done with my shopping, and if you don't like it you can go to another CVS, but I have to get this done now, thank you very much.  It's so funny how different first time moms are from those of us who have been around the block a couple of times.


Anyway, I hadn't yet taken Sonya into Andy's work to show her off.  This was mostly because I was worried about her crying, and disrupting the office. You know, my husband sorta needed to keep his job.  But it had been two months, and people kept asking to see the baby, so we said screw it.  If she cries I'll just leave.  Luckily, she slept  through almost the entire visit to his office.  Everyone oooed and ahhhed over her.  She was a very beautiful baby, as far as new babies go.  Still a little alien like, but adorable alien.  We were there for an hour or so and decided it was time for us to leave.  It was around then that she woke up.  She was okay for the time being, but I knew that the peace wouldn't last long.  So I said my goodbyes and headed to the car.  That is when the wailing started.


At the time Andy was working in Beverly Hills and we live in Burbank.  If you look on a map it's only about twelve miles.  Quick, right?  Only if you live anywhere but L. A.  It can take anywhere from 25 minutes (at 2am) to an hour to drive those twelve miles.  Since I was leaving at 4 pm on a Friday, I was looking at the hour plan.  With a screaming baby.  Yay.


So I started my drive and I did all the things I had done before to try and stop her from crying.  Things that had worked at one point for five or ten minutes.  Shushing, humming, shaking the car seat back and forth, chanting in a Native American like style-you have NO idea.  Nothing was working and the sobs only became louder.  I was ready to lose it, so as a last resort I decided to try music.  A song that I had played incessantly when I was pregnant with her.


I'm not sure why, but for some reason the first time I was pregnant I became obsessed with Barry Manilow.  Don't look at me like that.  Come on-tell me you can't belt out all the words to Copacabana.  My mom was a Manilow fan when I was a kid and I remember listening to him often.  I don't know if it was some sort of pregnancy craving or what, but I listed to that Greatest Hits CD over and over again.  One song in particular, which is one of my favorites,  Mandy.  I was so obsessed at the time, we even considered naming Sonya, Mandy.  She's so not a Mandy though, so it's a good thing we nixed it.   So I put the song on thinking maybe it was one of those things she heard so much in the womb, like the white noise, she would like it.  It was probably my first real parental instinct success.


I started the song on the CD and within two piano notes, she stopped screaming.  Although, I could hear her kind of whimpering a bit still. It was like she wasn't sure if she was okMandy, she was quiet.  So for 45 minutes I sang Mandy, over and over and over again.  Needless to say, I was a little sick of the song by the time we pulled in the driveway.


After that, car rides were much more quiet.  Anytime she would start to cry we would pop the CD in and BAM!  Tears ended.  It was the craziest thing.  Thankfully, I didn't have to sing EVERY time.  Although, anyone will tell you about how fabulous my singing voice is.  As long as you ask them after a few drinks at a Karaoke bar.  


 Eventually, she did become a better baby and didn't hate just being awake, but anytime she started to have a break down in the car I would break out that song.  Worked every time, up until she was about two.  Although she still did like the song, and would ask us to play it over again when she heard it.


I haven't had Barry in my car for some time now. I should play it and see how much it still effects her, if at all.   Even if it doesn't help her now, it saved my sanity back then.  Because Mandy-she really did come and give without taking,  and I thank Mr. Manilow, and my mom who introduced me to him, for that.


Happy Birthday to my beautiful first born girl!  Even though at times you might be difficult, I will never forget  how happy you make me, and I won't ever send you away.

Comedy Competition

Remember how I recently wrote about Georgia being the funny one in the family?  Well, either she's reading this blog (which I don't think would be the best thing for her) or she thinks of herself in this way. Even though she's only THREE.  


Last week we were in the car on the way back from picking Lana up from pre-school.  Lana had on her favorite pink sparkly shoes.  She was admiring her shoes and then told me,


"Mommy, my shoes don sparkle in da shade." It was cloudy that particular day.


"Oh, no?" I asked.


"No, day only sparkle in da hot," she informed me.


I giggled and said, "Oh you mean in the sun?"


"Oh yeah," she said.  "Da sun.  Dats what I mean."


I kinda chuckled again then said, "Lana, you're so funny."


Georgia, who sits next to Lana in the van, had listed to our conversation.  Right after I told Lana how funny she was, GG did what can only be described as a courtesy laugh then immediately said,


"Yeah, but I's more funnier."


Since that made me laugh harder than what Lana said, I guess she had a point. 

Look What I Found!

Under the couch yesterday I found G's hair:

 It was on this piece of paper from the Sesame Street coloring book, that Sonya had given to Lana, if you notice.  Apparently, sneaky little Lana hid it under the couch just like this.  I will give her credit though, when I asked her if she hid it there she fully admitted it, smile and all.  I did realize she cut off WAY more than I thought she did.  Good thing Georgia has unruly curly hair and it is less noticeable.  Well, except for in the bangs.  I will be making daily checks under Lana's bed when she is a teenager.  I shudder to think what will someday be hidden under there.  

Beauty School Drop Out

Saturday I was in and out of the house all day.  I took Sonya to a birthday party in the afternoon and Andy was in charge of the Wonder Twins.  He cleaned out the garage most of the day and the girls went in and out between helping him, and playing inside.  I did request that they not completely destroy the house that day, because I was having some girlfriends over later for a little party.  Well, it wasn't COMPLETELY a mess when I got home, but you know, they're still kids and he's still a husband who thinks dishes in the sink and crumbs on the counter is a cleaned up kitchen, so whatever.  I wasn't surprised to come home and find a piece of red construction paper cut up all over the living room rug.  No biggie since I had to vacuum anyway.  What I didn't see, while vacuuming, that was also cut on the floor was hair.  Hair belonging to one miss Georgia. 


I didn't notice GG's lovely new do until after she had a shower later in the evening.  She and Lana have the same type of hair.  It's curly and hard to manage, so it is not unusual for it to look unkempt most of the time no matter how often I brush it.  Her bangs can also look unruly from time to time.  I guess I just hadn't looked at her straight on, until she ran into the kitchen after Andy dried her hair.  My girlfriends were all over and we were into shopping for some jewelry, drinking wine and having a few appetizers.  Georgia came running out to show us all how wonderful her blown dry hair looked, when I realized something looked amiss with her bangs.  I thought perhaps they were just tucked up under some other hair, so I went to brush them down and fix them, only there were no bangs to brush down in that spot.  That's when I saw it.  A very distinct chunk of hair was missing.  


"Ummm, Georgia?  Did you cut your hair today?" I asked, my mind going immediately to the cut up pieces of red construction paper that had been strewn all over the living room rug. 


She looked at me a minute, then said, "Yeah."


"You cut your hair?  When, how...?" Never mind I'll got ask Andy. Maybe he had known about this, but had hoped I wouldn't notice.


I marched Georgia back to the bedroom where Andy and the other two girls were.  


"Did you see this?" I asked pointing to Georgia's bangs.


"What?" He asked.


"Look!  She cut her bangs!" I said.


"Oh..wow, I didn't even notice that.  Huh, well they were playing with scissors today cutting up paper," he told me.


"Yes, I saw the red construction paper everywhere," I said, trying not to sound annoyed with him.


He continued, "So when I came in from the garage and saw them with the scissors and I took them away."


"Well she must have cut them before then," I concluded.  "Georgia, why did you cut your hair?" I asked, not really sure what kind of answer I expected from a three year old, but I felt I had to ask for some reason. That is when Lana stepped in with a big smile on her face and said,


"I did it!"


"What do you mean you did it?" I asked.


"I cut GG's hair?" She informed us, extremely pleased with herself.  


"LANA!  Why!?" Again, not sure what I expected, because she just kind of shrugged her shoulders at us.  I mean it's not like I haven't been through this before.  But at least Sonya had a reason for cutting her own hair.  Not a great reason, but a reason none the less.  


"Okay, well, no more scissors for either of you for two weeks," I told them.  I'm not really even sure they care about this punishment, but there is not really much more I can do.  It was way past the point of getting a time out.  I also can't figure out why Georgia said she was the one who did the cutting, when it was Lana.  Maybe she figured Lana gets in trouble enough, so she threw herself under the bus.  It's pretty nice of her considering how silly Lana made her look.  


I'm hoping at some point in the two weeks they will want to use scissors, and I will tell them no then maybe the punishment will make an impression, but  who knows?  This is one of those things that I think just about every kid does and in the long run, it really is harmless.  Although it did cause harm to our Christmas pictures this year.  I'm not sure where it is written, but somewhere it states: 


"If a child cuts their own hair or their siblings hair, you can be sure professional pictures of some kind are being taken in the time period before said hair grows back."


Yesterday morning were those pictures for us.  The Booster Club at Sonya's school was doing a fundraiser where you could get your family Christmas pictures taken. Our appointment was 11:30.  Not even 24 hours since the hair went missing.  So those of you receiving our Christmas card this year will see just how lovely Georgia's hair is.  At least it will be a fun memory and something to laugh at years down the road.  Here is a preview.
  

I'm going to go on a limb and say that perhaps Lana doesn't have a future career in hair, but then again, the short spiky bang look could come back in style.  I think I'm hiding all the scissors until the girls are twelve.  

'Tis The Season!

Well technically it is NOT the season yet, but for some reason it gets pushed on us earlier every year.  Usually, it doesn't start until after Halloween, but while driving down North Hollywood Way, five days BEFORE Halloween, the good city of Burbank was putting these up:

SERIOUSLY BURBANK??  I love you so much and you do THIS?  The week BEFORE HALLOWEEN??  This kinda makes me want to break up with you, but I will let it go.  It is not completely your fault.  Monday night I saw a Christmas commercial.  Not sure what it was for, but it was definitely a Christmas commercial, complete with cartoon Reindeer and snow.  I give up.  Sorry Thanksgiving.  You are now completely wrapped up in Christmas, with a bow and all.  Perhaps we should just call it Thanksmas from now on.  And for those of you playing your Christmas music right now, just STOP IT.  It is NOT Christmas yet.  I won't name names, but there are a few of you out there who I know are doing this.  You know who you are.  It is not time for the Fa la la la la's.  


The worst part of all of this?  My kids think Christmas is days away instead of weeks.  Oh, it's going to be a joyful two months!

Trick or Treat

After many months of debate and coming up with about 15 different costumes, the girls finally made a decision a couple weeks ago about what they were going to be for Halloween.  And when I mean months of debate, I do mean MONTHS.  They started talking about what to be this year the day after Halloween LAST year.  Here is what we ended up with:

Sonya as Pocahontas, Lana as Tinkerbell, and GG as a little witch.  It's a good thing Nona found that Pocahontas and Tinkerbell costume at a consignment shop in Florida a few weeks ago.  Sonya was planning on being a fairy with some dress up clothes we already have. Lana had been changing her mind every other day.  Then when the package showed up with those two adorable costumes, they were both set on what to be.  Georgia, on the other hand, was going to be Minnie Mouse up until last week when she decided the costume felt to "funky".  That means it was uncomfortable to her.  Sonya had been a witch a few years ago, so I pulled that costume out and convinced Georgia that is what she should be.  I'm she agreed, because she was so damn cute.  Especially with that hat! 


 They had a great time trick or treating.  Andy and I were talking last night about how crazy it is that they are all now at an age where they really get the whole experience.  He and I would stand back as they ran to each house's front door,  rang the bell on their own, and yell "Trick or Treat".  Lana was the bravest of them all, ignoring any scary decorations in a yard.  She would just run to the door determined to get her candy.  Sonya, however, would hang back and make sure her sisters didn't get killed by the plastic zombies before running up and grabbing some candy herself.  Georgia had me giggling when she asked after EVERY house,


"Aw we going to anotha house?"


We had to answer her every time, or she would just continue asking.  After walking down our street, we went back to the house where the girls had just as much fun passing out the candy.  Then Andy took Sonya and Lana out  to trick or treat for a bit longer.  They got back just as I was about to put Georgia to bed, because she was ASKING to go to bed.  We had them all in bed and out cold by 9pm, despite the 10 pieces of candy they each ate.  All in all it was a fun Halloween. 


I think I've come to the conclusion that Halloween is probably my favorite holiday with the kids.  I do love Christmas, but there is so much stress that surrounds that time of year, that it makes Halloween feel that much more fun.  I love watching them get dressed up and the joy on their faces when they run to each house, and inspect what treat they were given.  It's all about the fun on Halloween.  That's probably why I feel a little sad today.  Another year of them being little on Halloween is gone.   I know I have very few years left where they will love getting dressed up and trick or treating with us, so I will hang on to it as long as I can.  Even if it means that today will start the great debate of what they will be next year.


What did your kids dress up as?