Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Gene That Skipped A Generation

I like to have a neat and clean house.  I, however, do  not like to do things that I have to do to keep that house neat and clean, yet I do it anyway.  You see I was raised by Ann Taylor.  A woman who not only likes things to be neat, clean and orderly, but ENJOYS doing the cleaning and the organizing.  Yeah.  I know.  Crazy, right?

 My mother LOVES to clean.  I mean she really does.  When she's mad, she cleans, when she's nervous she cleans, when she's excited or happy...well you get where I'm going here.  It's her meditation of sorts.  We always like to hear the story of how she was up in the middle of the night before she and my dad got married scrubbing the floors of her mother's house. See what I mean? 

 When she and my dad came for Christmas this past year, I gave her the green light to clean out whatever she wanted, while Andy and I went to get massages.  You would have thought I handed her a giant Publisher's Clearing House check.  She was so excited.  And here is the even crazier part.  She is so damn fast.  In the three hours Andy and I were gone, she had cleaned out my pantry, kitchen drawers, cabinets in the bathroom and the laundry room and still had time to make a home cooked meal with pie for dessert, while doing a fun craft with the girls.  THREE HOURS!!  I can't even change all the sheets on the beds in that amount of time!  I just don't get it.  I swear there is a clone of her she hides somewhere. 

It is unfortunate that I did not get this love for cleaning gene.  I would rather give birth again than clean out someone else's kitchen, let alone my own.  I'm assuming it skips a generation, because as far as I know, my sisters are not so fond of doing the actual work it takes to get things to where they like them to be either.  We all bitch about cleaning and clutter on a daily basis.  There is one girl, however, who does seem to be a little more like her Nona, (my mom)  in my house.  My little Lana.

The day that my mom cleaned out all of those things in my house, Lana was right there to help her out.  WILLINGLY.  One of Lana's favorite things to do is clean out her closet.  I'm not kidding.  She will come to me on a random Thursday afternoon and ask if she can clean out her closet.  Ummmm....let me think about that a minute....Hells yeah!  Okay well maybe I leave the "hell" part out but you get it.  And she will not just reorganize things.  No, no.  She will take every last shoe out of that closet, dust bust any dirt and yuckiness left behind and put them all back in very neat pairs and rows.  Amazing.  Again -ALL ON HER OWN.  Now this is not something I have ever taught her or she's learned from her big sister.  Definitely not from Sonya.  Sonya is completely opposite.  Sonya hates to clean and organize and to be quite honest, doesn't understand why that pile of papers building on her desk since last August just can't stay there.  What?  It's her desk.  Those papers aren't bothering anyone. Sometimes she doesn't even see the clutter and mess I point out to her in her room.  

You think I'm exaggerating?  The child is thisclose to the Hoarders people coming in and taking over her room.  I finally decided at the beginning of the summer to try and put a stop to it.  As much as I wanted to be on TV at one point in my life, I don't want it to be because my daughter can't leave her apartment due to the newspapers piled up in front of her door.   I knew I had to teach her how to clean things out, and not just do it for her like I have in the past.  I had to teach her the ways of Ann Taylor, since she wasn't born with it like her sister. 

I set aside a day for us to clean out her room at the beginning of June.   Silly me thought it would take only a day to clean her entire room.  I had forgotten just how much crap she keeps.  It ended up taking us over a two week period.  Not every day mind you, but a day here and there.  I would say 4 1/2 days total.  I had to break it up for her, because you would have thought I told her, "Time to hang you upside down by your toenails for four hours!" the way she moaned and carried on.  Everyday we cleaned out a  different part of the room.  Bookshelves were one day, closet and under the bed another, and the desk needed a full day of love.  In the end we had three garbage bags of crap and two of things to be given away.  The good part was she LIKED  how her room looked after all was said and done.  She loved how neat it was and how everything had a place.  It was something she begrudgingly admitted to me of course, but admitted nonetheless.  Of course that did not stop her from immediately not putting things away in the right place just two days later.  Baby steps.  

Lana, however, is the kid who had a breakdown three weeks ago, because her clothes drawers were a mess and GG doesn't keep them neat after she fixes them and how is she supposed to put clothes away when they are always messy and what's the point of fixing it if GG messes them up again???  This was the exact thing she said to me.  Oh do I feel her pain.  Yet she turned around and organized them again anyway.  

So on Monday this week I told the girls we were cleaning the house.  My in-laws were coming on Tuesday and I've been wanting to clean out Lana and Georgia's room this summer, but just haven't had time.  No surprise since this is the first you're hearing from me in about a month.  Sonya immediately started whining and complaining, because she didn't want to.  Her desk was spiraling out of control again, but since we had just recently cleaned everything out, I knew it wouldn't take long to get it back to where it was.  Lana was excited and ready to get started.  Georgia falls somewhere in the middle right now.  She wants to be with Lana on this because they are so close, but she's not much for the hard work so she chose to pick a fight with Lana instead.  I ended up banning her from the room so we could get some work done.  She kinda got out of doing most of the work, which at this juncture was fine with me.  I will work on her next summer.   

Lana helped me clean out the toy box and then did the entire closet as she always does.  After her initial complaint fest, Sonya went into her room and did her desk all on her own.  She was even proud of it! It looks like I might have taught her something useful!  Those are always great moments when you realize that they took something from what you were trying to teach them.  I was so proud of her. I'm also so grateful that I have Lana who won't fight me on doing these things and in fact enjoys them.  

Later that night at dinner I commended everyone on the great job they did helping me out that day.  I said how much I appreciated them chipping in to do all that work, how great everything looked, and how impressed their grandparents would be.   Then I said something to Sonya about it not being all that bad to do the work if the final product looks so good like her clean desk.  She admitted I was right, but also said she still hated doing it.  

"I'm not like Lana, mom," she told me.  "She LIKES to do that stuff.  Lana has the gift of Nona."

Yes, I guess she does have the gift of Nona.  Which is good news for me because I can look forward to organized kitchen cabinets and closets in just a few short years without having to do the work myself.  And with the way Lana gets angry and upset, she may just have a career in cleaning out other people's crap.  Thanks for passing on your "gift" to my daughter mom!

Friday, June 20, 2014

Her Idea of Bad

Last weekend we were all in the car coming back from somewhere.  Don't ask me-I can't remember those details.  Anyway, we passed by a billboard for that new movie Tammy coming out in a couple weeks.  Melissa McCarthy plays the main character-I'm assuming Tammy.  Georgia read the name of the movie out loud as we drove by, and Andy kind of scoffed at the movie.  He said something about her being okay in small doses like in Bridesmaids, but that she's not good a lot of the time.  Meaning-she does the same thing over and over again and to carry a whole film and then multiple films playing the same character just gets old.  I can't say I disagree with him.  However, from the back seat all Lana heard him say was that she wasn't good.  Lana was quick to qualify what he meant by "not good."

"You mean like she smokes?" She asked him.

"No, Lana.  I...." Andy didn't have time to answer because Lana jumped in with.

"Ooooh, like she kills people," she said.  

"No. Lana.  She..." and then we started laughing.  Because really my daughter's idea of someone who is not good is either they smoke, or they kill people.  The jump from one to the other is what I found most amusing.  Eventually we explained that he meant she wasn't good in the movie, but I'm pretty certain she still thinks Melissa McCarthy smokes while killing people.  Sorry Melissa.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Aloha (One Month Later)

I feel like lately my life have been in a constant state of go, with about six hours of sleep.  Because if I don’t at least get those six hours, the go is going to completely stop.  That is why I have slacked on my writing the past six months or so and I hate it.  I love to write and love to tell the stories about the girls, but the constant state of having something to do makes it hard for me to find the time.  It's summer break now, which I though meant I'd have more time to write but as it turns out, no.  I do not.  In the two weeks that the girls have been out of school we have gone to the Natural History Museum, the beach- twice,  the zoo, the farm to pick strawberries and other produce, and the Federal Reserve.  A field trip we took with Sonya's girl scout troop where I saw more money than I will ever know in ten lifetimes.  At one point I was trying to figure out who could help me with the biggest bank heist ever.  Turns out I don't have those kind of people in my life.  I digress.  So finally after the first two weeks of school being nonstop, I have all three girls in day camp this week until 1pm and I have time to poop in peace, both in writing and well, for real.  

I have a build up of stories though, so let's just go back to the beginning of May when we did get a short respite from all the craziness of our life in the form of a trip to Maui.  Yes that's in Hawaii.   And yes, it was just as amazing as you imagine  it to be.  And yes there were some antics along the way.  Where to start?

Well, let’s start with the fact that we would never have gone on vacation in the middle of May when we had to pull the girls out of school by choice.  However, one of Andy’s best friends and Godfather to Georgia, Jamie, was getting married.  He and his fiance, Monique, decided on a destination wedding in Maui.  I think I did mention them getting married when I talked about the fact that Georgia was going to be the flower girl and also Andy was officiating.  This is now the third wedding he’s done.  It’s quite the little side business he’s got going.  Except for the not getting paid part.  But we get to go to some awesome weddings in some great places and this one was the best.  I mean you can’t really beat Hawaii.  No offense to the other 2 weddings he's done.  So this wasn’t just a wedding we were invited to, but one my family was an essential part of.  Oh darn, we were going to HAVE to go to Maui.  What bad luck for us.  

Since we were going during the school year, I had to talk to all of the girls’ teachers and the principal to let them know why they were going to be gone.  They were all excited for us.  I know the district will not be when I get that nasty-“your kids have six unexcused absences” letter, but I don’t really care about them.  They are just mad because they did’t get their money for my 3 kids for those 6 days.  Oh well.  

As fantastic as Hawaii is, the time change is hard to get a grip on for some reason.  We go back east from time to time and don’t seem to have a problem when we go that direction, but I knew we were in for fun time when Georgia came into our room the first day we were there at FOUR AM and said,

“Mommy?  Is it time to get up?”


Well yes if we were in Burbank where it is 7AM but not here where the sun isn’t even thinking of breaking yet.  I explained to her that she couldn’t get up until it started getting light out.  That would buy me at least two hours right?  Sure, if you're talking to a 12 year old, but not at 5.  For the next two hours she came to my bed wide awake to tell me, "I need a drink of water, I have to pee, I think it's starting to get light outside- (it wasn't), Can I watch TV?"  So yeah.  Sleeping was not happening past four.  Around 5:45 we were just beginning to see some light from outside and Georgia took that as her cue.  She went around and opened every blind in the room yelling, 

"It's morning! It's morning!"  

It was going to be a long day.  

That first day we took it easy and hung out at the beach that was literally, 100 steps from where we slept.  It was awesome.  It was a gorgeous day and we just relaxed swam, ate, and drank happy hour beach bar Mai Tais.  Well I did anyway.  

The view from our room.


The next day we decided to go to the volcano on the island.  Most people get up at 2am and drive up the volcano to watch the sun rise.  This was something Andy and I had done 10 years ago when we were childless.  We weren't going to punish ourselves with that adventure this time though.  No instead we figured we would just drive up, look a the crater, take some pictures and be done.  Easy peasy.  Sure, it would have been had Andy not thrown out his back 20 minutes before we were going to leave. 

We thought about not going at all, but Andy was determined that this was his vacation and it wasn't going to get ruined by his faulty back.  So he took some muscle relaxers and we decided I would just drive.  Totally fine, sure.  Except have you ever driven on a windy, narrow, the cliff drops off below you, moutain road? Yeah I haven't done too many of those and for good reason.  They FREAK ME OUT.  Not to mention the fact I was driving a rental jeep, a car I wasn't even the least bit comfortable in.  I was fairly certain our death was imminent.  I felt bad that Jamie and Monique's wedding would be overshadowed by the tragedy of the entire Dadekian family falling off of the volcano.  But somehow we made it to the top even if it was only going 20mph.  We got out of the car, Andy feeling completely stiff, Lana a bit green from car sickness, me deep breathing out my anxiety and the other 2 completely oblivious.  

It was beautiful when we got to the top and the girls enjoyed the volcano crater with the exception of Lana who wanted to see a "real" volcano, which meant one that was actually erupting.  We tried to explain to her how bad it would be if this one were erupting, but she would have none of it and continued to whine for about 10 minutes about her unhappiness. 
At the crater. Picture courtesy of Georgia.

 After a few pictures we decided we were done and ready to head back down.  Crap.  I had to drive down.

Driving down was so much more hellacious than driving up, for a few reasons.  First, you're going down which means pretty much riding the break the whole way unless you want to fly off a cliff.  Second, they have this great adventure in Hawaii where you take a tour and go look at the volcano and then bike down the whole thing!  Something I might have considered in my younger years, but I don't think you could pay me to do it now.  Biking down that narrow steepness and having to make sure you don't get hit by some idiot driving down like me? No thanks.  Especially when you add number three in-the fog.  The fog that was so foggy I couldn't see the fog two feet in front of me.  It was just plain old scary.  Andy had been encouraging me on the drive up and started to on the drive down.  I guess I should mention I am not the main driver in the family.  Whenever we go somewhere together he always drives and it's the way both of us like it.  Sometimes, when I do have to be the driver in the car with him, I feel like I'm 15 again and my dad is telling me what to do.  So this was extra fun for both of us.  

When we got to the part where there was fog AND bikers, I had no idea what the hell to do.  I was constantly turning a corner, and didn't want to get over in the other lane to pass the bikers for fear of being hit head on by a car coming out of the pea soup fog.  So I just passed the bikers getting really close to them but not to close.  I guess Andy thought it was to close and yelled at me at one point, 


"You're too close!! You're too close!  You can't pass them on a turn!!"

To which I yelled,

"If I don't pass them on a turn, I'm not going to be able to pass them at ALL!!!!"

I'm happy to say we made it out of the fog and off the volcano with no bodily injury to others or anyone in our car.  Phew! I did sort of feel accomplished later, like I had faced a fear, so that was good.  The great news was we made it back to the beach by 3pm, just in time for my Mai Tais.

The rest of the week wasn't quite as stressful.  We did the Road to Hana the next day, after which point we decided we were done with the sightseeing.  Don't get me wrong, it's a gorgeous drive, but being in the car with the girls right next to each other for 2 full days had led to a handful of fights between them and Andy and I were on the verge of throwing them in to the crater of the volcano.   We decided that we were going to beach and pool it for the rest of the trip, which the exception of the wedding festivities.  And that's just what we did. Oh!  We did go to a Luau one night too, which was also a lot of fun.  Typical Hawaiian tourist stuff, but a great time.  


Hike through the rainforest on The Road to Hana.

At a Waterfall off the Road to Hana.  This was moments before Georgia FREAKED out about a lobster like thing I pointed out that was in the water.  That's a story for another post.


Learning about items used in the Hula.

Learning the Hula

I swear that is not a backdrop, but the real sky and water.  So amazing!

The wedding was beautiful and Andy did a great job with the ceremony.  Georgia was absolutely adorable and took her job so seriously.  She even got her hair done and looked like she came straight out of Mad Men.  She loved all the attention she was getting all day and at one point Andy had to remind her that it wasn't her day, but Monique's.  That didn't stop her from enjoying all the adoration she was getting from all the bridesmaids and party guests though.  


Georgia and her "Mad Men" hairdo.
Oh and then there was this that Monique gave Georgia as her gift for being in the wedding.  Needless to say I cried.


Andy marrying the happy couple. Picture courtesy of Sonya.
After the ceremony.


Our last full day we were there, it was supposed to rain all day.  Something we were dreading would happen.  So in the morning we went into town to buy some souvenirs.  By the time we got back to the hotel all of the angry dark clouds were north of us and we had nothing but sun.  So we spent the rest of the day on the beach.  We stayed all the way until sunset, because even though the weather was nice the whole time we were there, the sunsets always got lost in some lower clouds.  Not this time though.  It was the prettiest one I've ever seen.  I took a bunch of pictures and captured what has now become my favorite picture ever.  (see below)


Wine in a plastic tumbler at sunset.  Don't get better than that!


My favorite picture of all time.  Sonya and Andy-sunset chat. 


It was an amazing week in a beautiful place.  I love that I got to go there and spend that time with my family and not worry about cooking, cleaning, PTA, Girl Scouts, or even working out.  I let it all go.  I got to be fun mommy because I could.  When we were trying to decide months back  if we were going to be able to pay for this trip I told Andy we should just do it.  Yes, it will be expensive and no we will not be able to do any other trips this year or do anything new to the house, BUT we will be making memories together as a family.  Something that can never be taken away.  Money will always come and go, and taking this trip would hurt a bit financially, but not break us.  You know what?  It was all completely worth it.  Ten fold.

Thank you Jamie and Monique for having your wedding in a beautiful place and making us a big part of it.  All the best to you for many many years to come!


Fun times at the beach!




Friday, May 23, 2014

Car Convos With Georgia

I decided to take Georgia out to lunch today for one last time, just the two of us.  We only have three more days of Kindergarten left and then she will be full day school with her sisters next year.  My lunch buddy will be gone. I will be a mixture of depressed and giddy, as only a mother understands.

On the drive to the restaurant this afternoon, there were about five high school age boys crossing the street, right in the middle of the street.  The crosswalk was only about 100 feet up, but you know at 16 you can't be bothered by rules.  

So there they were walking amongst cars and there were the cars trying not to hit one of them, but really wanting to for their stupidity.  From the back seat Georgia observed the whole scene and said,

"Dos boys just ran acrosth the sthreet!"

"I know.  That's not very smart, huh?" I told her.

"I think it's very sthmart," she replied.

Wait-huh?  Did she not get this?

"Oh no, honey, it really isn't, because see they could get hit by one of these cars," I pointed out to her.

Then with all the annoyance she could muster she said, "Um hello! I know that! That wasth stharcastic mom!" 

Who replaced my sweet little kindergartner with a high schooler?  That was not cool.  NOT cool I say!


Friday, April 25, 2014

Losing A Little Bit of Childhood Magic

There comes a time with every kid when they really start to question whether the Easter bunny, Tooth fairy and the big guy-Santa are real.  I remember being about 7 or 8 when I realized the Easter Bunny and Tooth fairy weren't real, but held on to the idea of Santa until 9 or 10.  Sonya is 9 1/2.  The difference between us though is I never questioned my mom or dad about it, because I never wanted the answer.  As far as my mom knows I still believe in Santa.  Sonya, on the other hand, has always been a little to curious for her own good.  

I remember last year after St. Patrick's Day when the "leprechauns" came to our house, Sonya asked me then if I had done the antics she and her sisters thought the leprechauns had done.  I, of course denied it.  Over the year though, she started questioning me about other things, like the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny.  The Elf on the Shelf in December brought on a constant line of questioning- "Are you moving it?", "Is it really you putting him places?", "Does he really go anywhere?"  She was always suspicious and I just did my best to avoid her questions so as not to blatantly lie to her.  Then she asked the big one, "Are you Santa Clause?"

To which I answered, "Do I look like a fat man in a red suit with a beard?"

"Well, no," she replied.

"Then I guess I'm not Santa," I told her.  See, not lying, just avoiding.  

I was getting tired of avoiding though, and to be honest I hated that she kept asking me in front of her little sisters.  I mean it's one thing for her to get it and know, but they are still little and I'm not ready for them ALL to not believe.  I decided at some point this year we would have to talk about it, but I just wasn't sure when.  Then my opportunity came one night a couple of weeks ago when we were eating dinner.  I'm not sure what brought it up or why.  Perhaps it was talk of the Tooth fairy since they each had a lose tooth.  All I remember is Sonya saying again,

"Are you the leprechauns and the tooth fairy?"

I think I gave some sort of vague, "I don't know why you would think that," kind of answer.   I tried to change the subject, but she persisted and mentioned something about me maybe being Santa and Georgia said to Sonya, 

"Mommy isn't Sthanta!!"  Then she whipped her head over to me and said, "Are you??"

That was it.  I had to talk to Sonya about this.  I couldn't let the little girls lose their magic yet, even though Sonya's was all but snuffed out.  So after I put Lana and Georgia to bed that night I called Sonya into the kitchen. 

"Come here I want to talk to you for a second," I said.

"Oookkkaayy..." she was hesitant.  

"So you keep asking about the leprechauns and tooth fairy." I said.

"Yeah," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders, "Because I think it might be you doing it. Are you?" 

"What do you think?" I put it back to her.

"I'm not sure, I think you might be.  Are you??"

I sighed and looked at her, "Well, yes."  

"You ARE??!" She was a little upset.

"You knew that already, Sonya.  Isn't that why you kept asking?" I said to her.

"Yeah, I guess.  Wait! Ooohhh,  You are??"  

Then a little light went off in her head,  "Wait! Are you Santa too?"

Well, I certainly wasn't going to say "Those other silly things are totally made up, but the jolly guy who goes around the world, breaks into houses just to leave presents to good kids, he's totally real!" 

So I just gave her a "you already know the answer to this one too" look.  

"You're Santa?!" She said a bit shocked.  Then, then she started crying.  

It was around then that my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into a million little pieces right next to the place where I smashed my daughters.  I'm still trying to find a few missing pieces.  

"You are?!" She said again through tears.

"I'm sorry girlie," I said hugging her.  I explained to her that doing all those things when she was little was fun for everyone.  After all, didn't she have fun believing in Santa and the Tooth fairy?  She admitted she did.  I found a great letter a mom had written to her daughter when she asked about Santa.  I thought the mom's response was perfect and had saved it for this occasion.  I had Sonya read it hoping it would make her feel better.  

It didn't make her feel completely better but I think it helped a bit.  At some point during this wonderful coming of age hour, Andy came home from work and he also tried to help the transition.  We told her how she could help us now with the little girls.  Easter was coming up and she could help with the baskets.  This seemed to cheer her up a bit, although to be honest, I think she could have care less about Easter Bunny, the leprechauns or the Tooth fairy even.  The one that hurt her the most was Santa.  I get it.  I was devastated too when I finally came to terms with it myself.  It sucked.  What I worried about most though, was her becoming one of those people who felt "betrayed" by her parents and that she wouldn't want to do this with her own kids.  So we talked about why we did this and how we were doing Santa's job, like the letter said.  Would she have not wanted us to do this and would she have rather thought there was never a Santa?  The answer for her was no.  She loved every minute of it and was glad she had believed in him, and the others, once.  

I also made it very clear that she was not to tell her sisters about this.  I wasn't too worried about that though.  Sonya likes to be in with the parents and have secrets like this.  It makes her feel important and grown up.  Which is kind of ironic, because one of the things she kept saying  that night was how it made her feel sad and that she didn't want to grow up and know this stuff.  I knew she would keep the secret though and she was excited to help play Easter Bunny soon.

After all the tears and talking for about an hour, we finally sent her to bed.  She seemed to be okay, but a little sad.  Later on that night I was telling Andy how bad I felt.

"Do you think I ruined her for life?" I asked, mostly joking but half serious.

"Yup," he said sarcastically. "She's going to need therapy for a while."

"Andy!" I yelled at him.

"Seriously?  Every kid finds out about Santa at some time," he pointed out.

I guess that's true, I just felt bad that I had to be the one to tell her.  Why couldn't she just have kept her mouth shut like I did when I was a kid? I never questioned my mom.  Mostly because I didn't want the answer I had to give Sonya.  

Then the very next day she and Lana lost a tooth.  It was Lana's 5th tooth and the first tooth Sonya has lost in a year and a half.  It was one of the bigger ones.  Lana immediately when to write her letter to the tooth fairy upon losing her tooth.  This is something the girls have always done.  Sonya did start it.  Then I saw Sonya at her desk writing something as well.  

"Don't come in here!" She yelled.  "I don't want you to see this yet."

"Okay," I said.  

She played along with the whole tooth fairy gig and put her tooth in the tooth bear next her bed as did Lana.  She had put a note and picture next to it like she always had, but asked me not to look until I came to get it later.  I agreed.  

That night  I got this letter and picture:



The letter reads:

Dear "ToothFairy"

This is what my tooth fairy will look like when I'm older.  It's for you to always remember when I lost teeth.  Her name is Sylvia Flower Power.  I love u.

-Sonya

PS She stands!

Yeah, she's going to be okay.  I, however, will not.  I think I cried for about an hour.  



Friday, April 18, 2014

This Is 40

For the past few months I have been freaking out, and usually not so silently, about this day as it drew near.  Today I turn 40.  FORTY.  1, 2, 3, 4...no that will take way to long.  10, 20, 30, 40.  That seems better.  Okay four decades seems better than 40 years for some reason.  Let me start with saying that it's not really the number or the actual age that has me freaked out.  I'm not worried about being closer to death.  Although I suppose I technically am closer, but the truth is I could get hit by a bus next week.  I'm not that close to "old age" where I'm freaked out about that.  Turning this age does bother me a bit because of the fact that my looks and youth are slowly fading.  I know that is shallow, but I'm just being honest here.  I don't like the fact that I LOOK older.  I always looked so young.  But the bigger issue I'm having with turning 40 is what it represents to me.   Here let me break it down.

The first decade of life, well let's face it, who remembers most of it?  The first decade I was just surviving and learning how to be a person.  When I hit the second decade and my teens, it was all I could do to get through the day without some sort of angst in connection to a boy, my clothes or my hair.  By the end of that decade, I went to college and started to grow up a bit.  Then I hit the 20s or what I like to refer to as, the party decade.   I don't know about you, but I did party and had a blast doing it.  Of course, that does get old after a while.  The 20s are also the time I learned about who I was.  I realized that I could be a bit overbearing, judgmental, opinionated, and a tad forthcoming with those opinions especially after a couple of drinks.  I don't tend to sugar coat things.  However, I am also loyal, kind, fun and hardworking.  It took me until the end of my 20s and even the beginning of my 30s to accept the "bad" parts about me.  It has also made me aware of what I do and how that can affect other people, so  I try to work on not giving in to those worse qualities, even though it can be difficult.  I had a good job for a while in my 20s, which I enjoyed and I got married to my fantastic guy at 27.  However, I was looking forward to what became the third decade of my life, becoming a mom.

My 30s have (so far) been my favorite decade.  I found out I was pregnant with Sonya one month before my 30th birthday.  Maybe that is why I wasn't so afraid of turning 30.  I had a goal.  I was working on something.  I was becoming a mom.  And yes, I'm still a mom, that will never change,  but the girls are older and don't need me like they did in my 30s.  Being  mom was something I always wanted to do.  It was honestly the biggest goal in my life.  I know that is so not PC to say these days, but it was.  Sure I had other dreams and aspirations, but without kids, none of that would have mattered to me.  I loved being pregnant and loved having babies. I wasn't crazy about the infant stage but it goes so fast that looking back now I suppose it wasn't that bad.  As crazy as I was during my 30s, and having the little two within 15 months of each other making me crazier, I still loved it.  Sure there were some days they drove me to drink, literally, and I was ready to run out and find the first place that would hire me, but I am so glad that I was there for all of it.  I was there for the funny things they said as toddlers, or the amusing things they did like the hair cutting incidents.  I know they still do need me more than they don't, but that's all going to change in this next decade.  And here is the reason that turning 40 freaks me out.  I have no idea where to go from here.

I feel like 40 is to old to try and start something new.  I know there are plenty of you out there who say it isn't, but most of the world would disagree with you.  Especially the hiring world.  To be honest, I don't even know what I would want to do.  The fact is I like being home with the girls.  I want to see them after school.  As they go through their teen years in the next decade of my life, I feel in some ways that's when I need to be here the most.  Sure they may not need help to get themselves fed or ready for bed, but what about when they are faced with being pressured to drink or take pictures of their boobs for snapchat?  What about when a boy breaks their heart or they are frustrated with their best friend?  I feel like I need to be around to monitor those situations.  I'm not saying I'm going to stop everything bad from happening, but being around will certainly help them to know that I am more likely to see what is going on in their lives.  So it appears that I should be okay with all this, but for whatever reason I'm not.  I feel like I need something else.  Something that doesn't involve PTA or Girl Scouts or any of the other things I do for them.  I need something for me, I guess.  I just don't know what that something is, and turning  40 is shining a glaring spotlight on the fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I know all of you have fantastic advice on what I could do and how to do it.  Trust me, I've thought of things too.  I still have aspirations of becoming a personal trainer of some sort, or teach workout classes.  However, getting certified requires me to take classes which cost time and money.  Those are two things I seem to be short on for myself these days.  Perhaps that will change once Georgia is in school full time next year, I don't know.  It's kind of a wait and see situation.

There's also this writing thing I do which I love.  It would be great to find something where I could write and do it from home, but isn't that the dream for every stay at home mom these days?  The market is saturated and I don't know that I'm good enough to break through that mess.  I already tried that once being a 20 year old blond hair, blue eyed actress, among the other 20 year old blond hair blue eyed actresses in this town.  We all see how that worked out for me.  If I'm being honest, that is another thing I would love to do again- act.  I've thought about trying out for a play near where I live, but again that lack of time thing gets in the way.  

I know, I know, I have to make it a priority for me and maybe that's what my 40s will be about.  Trying to find something for me while still being there for my family.  Right now I can't even imagine how I'm going to do that or where to start, but at least if I have an idea of where I'm headed that's better than nothing.  How much did I really know about kids at the beginning of my 30s before having the girls?  Not nearly what I thought, but I knew I had a goal of having babies and staying at home to raise them.  I did that, and I think I've done it well for the most part, so I can do this.  I can find something for me while still taking care of my babies and my husband.  Hopefully, finding something for me will help me to take care them even better.  Okay 40s, here I come!  Let's do this!

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Last of the Firsts

Look who lost her first tooth!





It has been loose for a few weeks now and wasn't really ready to come out as of a couple of days ago, but that changed quickly.  She came running out of kindergarten today clutching a little plastic ziplock baggie and yelling, "I lost my tooth!!

Yay! Wait, what? But you are my last baby to lose her first tooth and I didn't get to pull it out or be there?  No, in fact when I asked her about how it happened she told me,

"I pulled it out myself!!"  

Yup.  That one isn't going to need me at all by the time she is seven.  On the plus side at least SHE still believes in the tooth fairy which is more than I can say for Sonya.  More on that story next time.  All this combined with my impending 40th birthday on Friday, may have me rocking and crying in the corner while singing, "Cats in the Cradle" before the end of the week.