Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Closing Up Shop

So we did it.  We finally bit the bullet and put an end to the factory.  The baby making factory.  So I guess we didn’t technically do it, but Andy did on Friday.  This was a long time coming and something we had discussed over and over, but we both, albeit with a little sadness, decided it was for the best.  

Five years ago, after we had Georgia, we had decided we were for sure done.  That was it.  No more.  Having two babies within 15 months will do that to you.  Andy had gone as far as having an appointment to get his Vasectomy done.  Then, all of a sudden, we both got cold feet.  Me because I wasn’t sure I wanted to completely close the door on no more babies at 35.  Him because, well, he wasn’t sure he was ready for someone to mess with his junk.  To be fair he was also feeling the same way I was about the no baby thing.  We both agreed we didn’t really THINK we wanted another one, but what if something changed.  The fact was we weren’t prepared to get pregnant with Georgia and were sort of thrown into having a third.  Who knew if at some point we would want to purposely get pregnant again.  

After much deliberation, I decided to get an IUD.  It would protect us from anymore SURPRISE! pregnancies and it lasted five years.  I was certain by that (now this) point we would for sure be done.  I mean I would be almost 40!  That’s too old!  

Yeah, funny thing about age.  The closer you get to a certain number makes it not seem so old anymore. 

At the beginning of this year we started to have the discussion again about what to do.  Were we done?  Should he get the Vasectomy?  Should we have another baby?  We had to decided soon because by October my IUD would expire and we would have to make a choice one way or another.  

We discussed it many times, always talking about if we had another baby.  The good and bad thing about how we felt is we were both exactly on the same page.  In some ways it would have been easier if he was just dead set against having another baby.  Or if I was.  Then there wouldn’t be a question.  Instead during our discussions we would arrive at-okay we are done and you will get a Vasectomy and he would say,

“Ooooor... we could just have another one.”


It kinda drove me nuts.  See there is a big part of me that really really wanted another one.  That was the irrational part though.  The part that doesn’t want my kids to grow up and is sad they are getting older.  The logical part knows that another baby at this point would be an added expense, a HUGE gap in age with the kids, not to mention there really isn’t anywhere to put another body in our little Burbank home.  We would for sure have to move or add on again, which would mean even more money we don't have.  Not to mention we have gotten to a point with our family where we can all travel and it not be a complete hassle.  And not just travel, but we can all go to the movies together and dinners out aren't a nightmare anymore.  Most of the time. Plus there is the me being almost 40 thing.  Not that women don’t have babies at this age, but it does add extra health risks for the mom and baby.  Plus do I really want to be getting up in the middle of the night again?  Urgh!  No thank you.  

Every time I would get sad about not having another baby, I would call my sister, Beth, and she would remind me of all of these things.  There were a million reasons for us to not have another baby, and only one reason to have one.  Because I WANTED one.  

The fact was I needed this to be over with.  I needed the door to be completely closed, so I could stop thinking about it.   I encouraged Andy to find a doctor and make an appointment.  For a while we didn’t have a Friday or a weekend that was good, but after we came back from our vacation we were wide open.  So he found a doctor he liked and scheduled it.  

The couple weeks leading up to the surgery, I found myself feeling sad about the whole thing.  It didn’t help that Andy would throw in “We could always have another one!” every once in a while.  I had to call my sister on Thursday so she could talk me off the ledge one last time.

“Do you really want to be dragging an infant carrier to all the activities that the girls do? Do you want to be up in the middle of the night for the next year?  Or chained to home because he/she won’t take a bottle again? What about paying to go on vacation anywhere?  Now it will be SIX people.  Five is hard enough, but SIX is two hotel rooms and at least 2 full rows on a plane!  Plus you have three healthy girls, and being pregnant when you're older is always a gamble. ”

No, I did not want any of that.  She was right.  I was feeling better until Andy threw out his one liner again that night.  So I called him on it

“Do you really want to have another baby?” I said

“Not really,” he said.

“Then why do you keep saying that?” I asked.

“Because part of me does, but it wouldn’t be fair to the baby.  We don’t have the money for it and I don’t really feel like doing all that work again.”  He told me.

“Why do you want to though?” I said.

“The girls are getting bigger and older...”

“Yeah, that’s how I feel too,” I admitted.  

There we were, still on the same page in the baby chapter.  Only this time we decided we definitely needed to go to the next chapter.  Nothing but kids.  At least it's not the teenage one yet!

So this past Friday morning he went and made sure we could have all the sex we wanted without fear of pregnancy from now on.  I guess that part is kinda nice. Not having to think about birth control at all anymore.  He came home sore and complaining.  I babied him a bit, but you know it’s hard to have to much sympathy when you’ve been cut open had a baby pulled out of you and then pushed two out of your vagina with no episiotomy.   Too much info?  Sorry.  It’s true though.  Still I took care of him all weekend.  I even took the girls out both days so he could have some peace for a couple of hours.  

Now, here we are on the other side of having babies knowing there won’t be anymore to come.  That is what I discovered bothered me more than anything.  When I was in the midst of my freak out about this on Thursday, I also texted BethAnnDoddKoehn to tell her how I was feeling.  I know she feels the same way, but she closed up shop after she had her second.  After she reminded me that I don’t really like having infants anyway-(which is totally true, can’t they be born at six months old?) she said,

“It’s not that you want more.  It’s that it’s hard to deal with that part of your life being over.  It’s the part of your life you wanted most.  So now it’s like wedding depression.”

Truer words were never said.  That was exactly how I was feeling.  And still am to some extent.  I’ve accepted it, but still a little saddened by it.  Although as I was getting an eye roll and sass mouth from Sonya earlier this morning, I was certain that we had made the right decision.  

I know there will be times when I see a baby or pregnant woman and feel a bit of a loss.  I have friends who will be having babies soon, so I suppose I can get my baby fix from them.  I will also try to remember I have three beautiful girls who are still very dependent on me to teach them well and raise them as best as Andy and I can.  It is going much faster than I would like, but I know there is still so much ahead.  For now, I will just concentrate on them, and wait patiently for about 20 years (it better not be much less than 20!) until I get grandchildren.  Then I can play with them, spoil them and give them back.  Wow!  That IS a way better deal.  

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