Friday, May 17, 2013

And Time Marches On

Some of you may be aware that this is Georgia's last year of preschool.  Which means this is the last time I will have a preschool kid, which means that next year I have ALL THREE kids in elementary school.  Now, two years ago I would have been celebrating this day to be here.  In fact I may have a countdown calendar around here somewhere.   Turns out though, I'm not as excited as I thought.  In fact, thinking about the fact that all three of my girls are getting so big has pushed all my emotions to the surface and I find myself crying very easily right now.  I teared up at a coffee commercial the other day.  Yes, I'm losing it a bit.  

This past Tuesday was our last Mommy and Me class.  This is a class I started taking Georgia to before preschool.  It's been a big part of our lives, but I never took the other two, so I didn't ever feel as much a connection as I do with the girls' preschool. This past Tuesday the class did a little graduation ceremony for all the kids.  It wasn't really a big deal in my mind.  She is going to have her preschool graduation at the end of this month and that's the one Andy will be there for. The cap and gown one. The big deal one.  This one was kinda just for fun as far, as I was concerned.  

They encouraged us to go up with our child and say a few words to them-how proud we are-you know, the usual.  So when it was Georgia's turn I walked up next to her and immediately started crying. I don't think I got two words out.  This made every other mom in the room cry, which only made me cry more.  I really thought I was going to keep it together, but I did not.  No, I looked like this instead:

How pretty am I with crying puffy eyes?  GG looks cute though.  I could barely get through what I wanted to say to her. Since I was this upset at a place I thought I didn't care that much about, I can't imagine how I'm going to be when she graduates from the preschool that we've been attached to for five years.  

I've always been sad when my girls have reached a milestone like this and moved on.  It's natural and I know that.  It's just harder with Georgia, because she is my last one.  It makes it hard, partially because she is growing up and getting bigger, but also because it is forcing me to move on past the baby/little kid phase of life.  For so many years I wanted to have babies and then I got to.  A little too much at once actually, but I handled it.   Then I blinked,  8 years went by and they are all in elementary school.  As it turns out I'm not dealing with it so well.  I'm not so sure Georgia is on board with moving on either, or it could be that she sees how upset I have been.  Tuesday evening she was acting kind of cranky and I sent her sisters off to the shower so I could talk to her alone and see what was up.  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, 

"I don't want to leave you and go to Kindergarten."

Then my heart fell out of my body and onto the floor, I promised she never had to leave the house again and I would even by her a pony.  Okay, maybe I handled it better than that, but that's what I wanted to say.

I know eventually I will get better, and get used to this.  I will admit, there were talks about wanting  and possibly having another one, but we are so far from that stage now.  Still, it was a discussion Andy and I would have on and off.   Then a few weeks ago I was talking to my sister, Beth, about it and she put it into perspective for me.  

"You are only thinking about the next five years.  You're not thinking about the fact that having another one now would mean you are almost 60 before everyone leaves the house.  Do you really want that?"

I do not.  And she's right.  It is those first five years I crave.  I'm sure that even if I did have another one, in five years I'd feel like this again.  I just have to accept the fact that I have (almost) all school age kids and work with that.  I still have friends who will have babies and even though it's not the same as your own, sometimes it's better.  Because I can give them back and not get up at 2am and 4am and 6am.  THAT I do not miss.  

So I will take the time to grieve for the end of this chapter in my life.  The one that I was most looking forward to.  I'm sure there will be a lot of great things to come from my girls.  I can't wait to see what activities they really end up loving and how it will shape them into adulthood.  I am still not looking forward to the teen years, but I have some time left.  Not much, but some.  I will hold on to them liking me for as long as I can!  In the meantime, I will do my best to enjoy them now and in the moment.  In the grand scheme of things, they are all still little.  That won't stop me from going through a box of Kleenex at preschool graduation in two weeks though.  

My littlest big girl

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