Taking Back The Power

A few weeks ago, when my friend Trista was here with her husband and baby, I came to a bad realization.  My girls were starting to get out of control.  They weren't listening to me at all,  talking back and throwing tantrums more than ever.  I had become somewhat complacent because, to be honest, sometimes I just get tired of doing this job. (Sorry Trista and Jesse for the girls' bad behavior). Then we went to visit Andy at work later that same week, and I saw even more clearly how unruly they were becoming. We went to say hi to his boss and the girls did everything but turn the place upside down, ignoring every "no, stop that" Andy and I uttered.  Yeah, it wasn't good.  I realized I had to do something.  I couldn't let them continue to act like crazy kids.  I know that children aren't going to be well behaved all the time, but I did not want to have those kids who were terrible constantly.  So, I decided to seek help in a book called
 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan.


This is a book I read years ago, when Sonya was younger and starting to show signs of insubordination.  I put it into practice back then and it worked.  I've tried to continue to use it, but you know, things fall by the wayside after a while.  Having babies fifteen months apart will do that to you.  So, I decided I needed a refresher course.


 I pulled the book off the shelf and skimmed through it hitting the major points.  The basic idea is that you use counting to stop bad behavior like, talking back, yelling, fighting, tantrums, etc.  We all mostly use counting to three in some form, as have I. The key is to not get stuck on two....two and haaallllfff... and to also keep your emotions out of it.  Something I have a VERY hard time with.  I sometimes am the one having the temper tantrums.  When you get to a count of three, they get a time out or another consequence you've established.  In our house the key thing to take away is treats.  In other houses it might be TV or video games, but neither of those works for us.  They could care less about video games and rarely watch TV anymore.  But treats...you'd think I was taking away Christmas.  The other half of the discipline is to use timers or charts for "start behaviors".  This includes cleaning their rooms, unloading the dishwasher, or even eating dinner.  That last one is for Lana.  If they don't get whatever they are supposed to get done in their allowed amount of time, they have a consequence.  If it's cleaning their rooms and it's not done in the twenty minutes I give them, then I take all the toys not in their proper place and put them in a garbage bag. Then they go off to the garage until the next evening.  If Lana doesn't eat her dinner in twenty minutes-or most of it-then she misses out on any type of bread we are having or a dessert, if that is offered.  I know, I'm mean, but damn if it didn't start to work.


I explained the rules to the girls when I started this a few weeks back.  They all understood, but they were all taken aback by how serious I was about this.  I think that first week everyone had at least one or two timeouts a day and there were no treats for anyone for at least five days.  It was a rough week, as they figured out how serious I was about this.  Lana and Georgia lost half their toys to the garage one night.  I know they didn't think I would do it, but I sure did.  They cried for fifteen minutes about their lost toys.  Here's the thing, it's not like they were cleaning that whole time and just ran out of time to finish.  If that was the case I would give them more time to clean up their mess.  However, twenty minutes is more than enough time for them to do what needs to be done.  They just chose to screw around for the first twelve minutes.  Turns out eight minutes is NOT enough time for them to clean up their huge mess.  The next night they had everything cleaned up in ten.  They were not about to lose their toys for a second night.  If nothing else, they learn quickly!


After a week, I was giddy with how well my new strategy was working.  They were doing what they were asked.  The back talk and eye rolls were kept to a minimum, and I was actually starting to like them again.  Then we had a backslide last week for a few days, where they didn't want to listen and I may have been a bit more irritable, letting my emotions get the better of me at times.  PMS.  It happens.  What can you do?   So it's not a perfect system, because I'm not perfect and neither are they, but it's one that seems to be working a lot better than what I was doing before.  Before it was just a lot of me yelling and giving up.   I feel more in control and better about my parenting.  I even started a star chart for them to encourage their good behavior.  I didn't want things to be taken away from them only.  They needed to want to be good for something, not just so they wouldn't lose treats.   So now when they do something good, or do a chore when asked the first time, I let them color in a star.  When they get to the end of the stars-14 of them-they get to pick a prize from the prize box.  Otherwise known as the $1 Target bin.  


The girls are not always happy with this new system and sometimes become more irritated when I start to count them.  This,  of course, leads me to the next number sooner and usually lands them in time out.  They can't be good all the time, but this is definitely helping them learn to make better choices and become more well behaved.  I guess I didn't realize how much this was annoying them, or at least Sonya, until I was in her room changing her sheets last week.  Her closet door was open and I noticed a paper on the floor with her writing.  It looked like one of her "projects" she likes to work on, so I picked it up to see what she was working on, then laughed aloud when I saw this:

I guess she really wasn't happy with the new system, and this was her way of getting back at me.  It makes sense, because she was probably the one most affected.  Lana is used to time outs, and Georgia doesn't really get in trouble all that often.  Sonya, however, had been getting difficult for me to deal with. She had more timeouts and treats taken away in that first week than I'm sure either of us care to admit.  She gets it now, and is starting to be more respectful of me.  Something she was seriously lacking before, which was my fault for not teaching her or demanding it more.  


We all let our kids get out of control every once in a while, but the important thing is to recognize it and reel them in before they get to "Oh my god!  Did you see what that little girl did??" status.  It's never to late to discipline your kids.  If you need help, I highly recommend this book, although I'm sure there's other great ones out there.  The important thing is to just do it.  It will suck for everyone for a couple weeks and might even seem to stop working from time to time, but keep with it.  Those of us who are trying to do everything we can to raise our kids to be good people, don't want our kids to have nothing but assholes to associate with in the future, just because their parents didn't feel like disciplining them.  Don't let me fool you into thinking I know it all, however.  I still suck at this some days, but I  just keep trying.   This job is tough but you can't give up, even if there are days you want to.  If you do, you let the terrorists win.   At least that's what I've heard.  

Daddy Discipline

As most of you know I stay at home with the girls, making me the primary disciplinary. When you are the person who always doles out the punishments, who your kids see get angry on a daily, or some days, hourly basis, they start to not take you so seriously anymore. However, the one who isn't around all that often, the one who gets the red carpet rolled out when he comes home from work, when HE gets mad or hands out punishment, the earth stops spinning on it's axis. Sometimes this is helpful, sometimes it's just annoying. I mean he does the same thing I do and they'll respond more quickly to him. This was the case one morning last week.

We have a big potted plant in our bedroom. You know the kind, where the dirt is easily accessible for little hands to dig in. Sonya and Lana never bothered with it, but Georgia seems to be fascinated. One day a few weeks ago I was showering and she and Lana were in my room watching Curious George. Well, Lana was watching it anyway. G was busy taking handfuls of dirt from the plan and dropping them all over my room. I do mean all over. I found the piles on the floor, the nightstand, the entertainment unit, my aerobic step, anywhere she felt like it. I discovered it when I got out of the shower and spent a good fifteen minutes searching for dirt piles and vacuuming them up. So now I keep a more watchful eye on her when she's in our room, to make sure she doesn't go for the plant. Most of the time she'll leave it alone, but sometimes it just calls out to her.

One morning last week Andy was getting ready for work and I was making our bed. Sonya was off at school, and GG and Lana were in our room playing. The plant must have been too much to resist that day, because I watched as Georgia waddled over to it and started to dig her hands in the soil. As she did, she turned to look at me with a smile on her face that said, "look what I'm dooooiinnnggg."

"Nooooo Georgia. Don't do that," I said to her. She continued to dig, all the while with the shit eating grin on her face and staring directly at me.

"Georgia! NO!" I said more forceful this time.

At this point, Andy came out of the bathroom to see what was going on. Georgia had grabbed a handful of dirt and was starting to take steps away from the plant. Andy just looked at her disapprovingly and she stopped in her tracks. She looked at him with the same smile and he said to her gently, but forcefully,

"No Georgia. Go put that back."

She stood there for about five seconds, looked over at me, looked at Andy, and looked at the dirt in her hands. Then she turned around waddled back over to the plant, dropped the dirt back in, brushed her hands off, and ran out of the room.

"Good girl Georgia!!" Andy and I both cheered.

Then I looked over at him,

"Damn you!" I said.

"What?" He asked innocently.

"Never mind," I replied annoyed and went back to my bed making.

So yeah, they don't always want to listen to me, but most of the time, not ALL, but most, they will do what HE says. I admit, I will work this to my advantage if I'm having a particularly hard time with them listening by throwing out a,

"Wait until your father gets home!"

Because, let's be honest, what mom hasn't used that line a time or two?