My Morning Ray of Sunshine

Getting up in the morning has always been a chore for me.  I don't know how I was as a little kid, but I can remember being older and my mom threatening to pour buckets of water on me if I didn't get my ass out of bed.  I HATED getting up in the morning.  I still do.  So I don't know why I find it so hard to believe that my girls are right there with me.  Well, not all of them.  Lana is most definitely without a doubt the best morning person you've ever seen.  Yes, I said Lana.  

During the week, I aim to get everyone  up between 6:30-6:40 depending on when I drag my own ass out of bed.  Sonya sets an alarm, hits snooze a couple of times,  and I still have to make sure she gets up.  She is not fun to get up.  She huffs, and whines and buries herself back under the covers.  Sometimes Georgia is in her bed with her, because I don't know that I have told you all this but, Georgia does not like to sleep alone in her bed.  She always ends up in someone else's bed in the middle of the night.  Usually mine and Andy's first, but I move her after I wake up to find myself on two inches of mattress at 4AM with her feet in my face.  Since Sonya has a double bed, I usually opt to put her in there.  I try to put her back in her own bed, believe me.  Sometimes she refuses to go,  gets stubborn and at 4AM you tend to give in to what the hell they want so you can just go back to sleep, dammit!  Anyway-when she is in Sonya's bed in the morning I have to wake her up at the same time.  I usually  drag her out of Sonya's bed and carry her to her room where I plop her on the floor.  There she stays curled in a ball snoozing for at least another ten minutes.  Then I go to the kitchen where every two minutes, I yell for them to get up and get moving while making breakfast.  It's an incredibly enjoyable morning routine I assure you.  Especially since I myself hate to get up and am always exhausted.  If it weren't for the fabulous people who invented coffee, I would never survive. 

The other day Georgia wrote out her daily morning routine on the whiteboard in her room.  I think she was just trying to make it clear how she feels about getting up in the morning, so she added a little something...

For those of you who can't read my daughter's beautiful handwriting she acquired from me, after "wake up" she wrote "gron".  Which of course means "groan", but hey she's a 2nd grader, we are still working on the spelling.  Either way, she made sure she added into her morning routine a way to let everyone know how unhappy she was to be awake at that time of the morning.  Yup, those two are fun times to get going every morning.  Usually by Friday they are marginally better have it down, but then that pesky weekend comes and they sleep in throwing everything off on Monday morning.  It's a vicious cycle. Yes I know I should have them wake up at the same time on the weekend, but screw that.  Andy and I want to sleep in too!

There is one spot of sunshine every morning though...Lana.  I do not wake Lana up ever.  Last year she started getting up on her own.  Then she asked for an alarm clock so we go her one for her birthday. What 8 year old asks for an alarm clock as a birthday present?  Now she sets it for 6:15 every morning.  When it goes off she immediately turns it off.  No snooze for her! Then she proceeds to get dressed, make her bed, some mornings she will remember to unload her dishwasher or feed the cat when it's her turn.  When I come to their rooms in the morning to wake everyone up, there is Lana sitting on her made bed reading her latest book, with a smile and a cheery, "Good morning,  mommy!"  I do NOT know where this kid came from!  Because as I said, I have never been a morning person, so you would think that perhaps Andy is or was, but no.  Some days he groans louder than Georgia when he has to wake up.  

All I do know is I am so thankful that Lana is the way she is.  I suppose if I think about it I have my parents genetics to thank.  My parents have always been morning people.  My mother especially.  She was the type to wake you up with a song.  Oh how I hated that song in the morning.  She was always so damn cheery.  So perhaps the early bird gene got passed on to Lana. (Thanks mom and dad!)  I'm glad it did, because if all three of them were super grumpy in the morning, I'm not sure any amount of coffee would get me through that first hour of the day.  With Lana's smiling face and happy morning disposition, I can deal with what the other two throw at me.  

On the plus side, this past week I have been trying to put Georgia back in her bed after she comes to our bed in the middle of the night.  Sonya does not like having her in her bed, because of Georgia's starfish style of sleeping.  Can't blame the girl I guess.  So because she has been in her own bed in the mornings, Lana has decided to get Georgia up with her.  It's been like a dream.  Both of them up, dressed and in pleasant moods.  Only Sonya has been the obstacle.  I just need Lana to rub off on her too and we will be all set.  Maybe I can even sleep until 7 and have them come wake me up.  Then I can be the one to wake up and groan.  Oh wait-I do that already.  

Sonya's New Adventure

Well here we are three weeks into the school year and I finally have my shit together to sit down and write something. Anything at this point!  I always thought that when my girls were all in school I would have all this time to get everything done.  Turns out having all my girls in school means that I am in school more too.  I help out in the classrooms and chair a few PTA positions, so I end up with almost no time to do other things like writing.  However, I decided to forget about everything I'm supposed to be doing right now, to get back to my writing for a minute.  Especially because there is so much in my head that I keep thinking about wanting to write about.  Today it's about middle school.

Yes, Sonya started middle school this year.  I know some places middle school doesn't start until 7th grade and to be honest that might have been a better transition for us, but since Burbank Unified doesn't care about just my family, we had to go with what has already been in place for years.  It was a bit of a rough transition.  Well, let me clarify that.  It was a bit of a rough anticipation time this summer.  

As most of you know, Sonya is already on the young side of her peers.  Because her birthday is in November, and because when she started school the cut off date was December 1st, she started Kindergarten at four, turning five in November of that year.  It was a decision we struggled with and one which we would not have to think about today if she was going to kindergarten.  They moved the cut off date to September here in Burbank now.  We felt like we made the right decision at that time, because she was so smart, and academically she has always done well in school.  Emotionally, she is sometimes a bit behind.  She was sad to leave elementary school in May and this summer we went through some rough patches with her.  She was very emotional at times, crying for what appeared to be no reason and just being generally melancholy.  Now, I realize this is just a sign of things to come.  I remember being 14 and it was not pretty.  However I thought I had a least a couple more years of having to deal with this.  No such luck.

Some days she had so much attitude toward me I thought she was already 14 and I just missed it.  Other days she was her normal sweet little girl self.  Then there were the days of just general blahness.  I try to keep the girls busy during the summer.  They do a couple weeks of camp and we go everywhere from the beach to the museums here.  Luckily we live in a place that there is no lack of fun things to do.  That did not stop her from getting upset from time to time.  The unfortunate part is that she seemed to get more moody once a month when I did.  Not sure how our cycles are matching up already, since she's nowhere near starting hers, but I swear it seemed to.  So we got on each others nerves quite often.  It was a bit rough.  Thankfully, there is wine.  And a Bev-mo is two miles away to buy more wine.  For me, not her.  Although some days that might not have been a bad idea.  I think the Europeans are on to something giving their kids a glass of wine at dinner.  

As the end of the summer neared she started to get worse.  Every time I would try to get to the root of the problem she would insist she didn't know what it was.  Her best friend, who's birthday is in December and is almost an entire year older than she is, was ecstatic to start middle school.  She couldn't wait.  When I thought about that, and combined it with the way Sonya was sad at the end of elementary school, sprinkle on being younger than everyone else... it finally hit me.  

We were in the car going to the beach one day during one of our last weeks.  It had been another difficult morning with her where she ended up in tears and I was ready to tear my hair out.  After a few minutes in the car I said,

"Sonya, I think you are having a really hard time dealing with the fact that you are going to middle school.  I think you might be nervous and that's why you've been acting like this."

She shrugged and replied through her leftover tears, "Daddy kinda said the same thing to me yesterday."

"Well what do you think?" I asked.

"Maybe," she admitted.  "I don't know."

I then went on to explain to her that it is completely fine to be nervous and scared and even to embrace it.  She needed to realize that is what was making her so unhappy and stop trying to fight it.  I think she was having a constant battle with herself about this.   I realized that maybe she thought everyone else was excited to go to middle school and she was the only one feeling this way.

"Do you think everyone feels the same way about going to middle school as Charlotte does?"

"Kinda," she said.

"Well, I have news for you," I told her.  "More people feel the way you do about going than the way Charlotte does.  And if Charlotte is completely honest, even though I know she is excited, I am sure there is a part of her that is scared too."

"Really?" she asked.

"Of course!" I told her.  "It's completely normal to feel the way you are! It's a new school with a whole new set of circumstances.  I know for a fact that Garrett is nervous too."

"Really?"

"Yup," I said.  "I talked to his mom the other day about it."

About a week before we had been out at a concert in Burbank and I ran into another mom I knew.  Her son and Sonya had been in classes together over the years at the elementary school.  We had started talking about our summers and the kids starting middle school soon.   I had mentioned Sonya's emotional state and she said her son had been the exact same way all summer.  Informing Sonya of this fact seemed to put her mind at ease.  Over the next couple of weeks she became more pleasant and less stressed.  We went back to school shopping and she started to become excited about the new year and new things to come.  She was still nervous and would cry from time to time, but at least now she allowed herself to feel this way and not battle it.  

A couple weeks before school started we had to go register at the school  and get her books and her lock for her locker.  Seeing the school and becoming more familiar with it helped even more.  She constantly asked me questions over the next few days about her locker, or her classes, most of which I couldn't answer since I haven't been to middle school in quite a few years, and never went to this one.  One night at dinner  she said,

"I just wish I wasn't the first one to go.  Like when Lana and Georgia go, I will be able to tell them everything so it won't be as scary for them."

"I know," I told her.  "It's one of the things you have to take on being the oldest.  I totally understand that because it was the same for me.  It's hard, but it's a good job for you and you will make it easier for them in a few years."

Knowing that she had the job of learning it all first seemed to help her even more. 

The first day of school came and she was a bundle of nerves, but she was definitely ready.  She was up early and ready to go well before we had to.  We all walked her down to the school to send her off on her first day.  We were allowed  that day to come on campus and walk our 6th graders to their lockers.  As we entered the hall where her locker and first class were,  I was immediately hit with the incredible urge to  burst into tears.  It was like taking her to her first day of Kindergarten all over again.  Now I was the emotional one and it was completely unexpected. I swallowed hard and breathed deep, because it's one thing for kids to see their parents crying on the first day of kindergarten, but it's a WHOLE different embarrassing thing to see them cry on your first day of 6th grade.  I couldn't let her have that stigma.  It took some doing but I managed to get through it without tears.

She found her first class where Charlotte was already waiting.  Coincidentally, they ended up in ALL the same classes, which was also a huge help for Sonya's nerves.  We hugged and kissed her goodbye and walked out of the school to let her begin her next adventure.  THEN I cried.  I mean I wasn't going to hold back forever.  

The best part was when she came home that day.  She couldn't have been more happy or excited about being at school.  She loved every minute of it and enjoyed every class.  Sonya has always loved school, but the past couple of years that love started to wane, like it does for most kids.  So perhaps she was ready to move on to changing classes, taking P.E. every day and housing all her belongings in a locker.  I've often questioned the decision we made to send her to school so early and sometimes think we made a mistake.  Then I remember what a bright, strong,  brave, independent, social, sweet girl Sonya is.  She may be emotional, but she always finds a way to rise above.  That four year old kindergartner turned into a 10 year old middle school er more quickly than I could have imagined or liked.  I'm positive that her middle school years will be just as successful as her elementary school years were.  I  know, without a doubt, that we did make the right decision all those year ago.  I also know, that no matter what, I will always cry along with her with every transition she goes through.  Why does no parenting book warn you of those things?  

Excited and nervous

Lana, Sonya, Georgia - They are getting so damn big! The other 2 started 3rd and 2nd grade.

Sonya and her best friend Charlotte

Milestone #56-The Hits Just Keep On Coming

Two weeks ago Sonya, my oldest, graduated from 5th grade.  Ok, I know- graduated -is a strong word at this age.  I guess she promoted out of the 5th grade and elementary school.  I suppose we have gotten a bit carried away with all of the pomp and circumstance, of celebrating every age of kids achieving something.  Sure graduating from high school is a big deal, but now we celebrate preschool, end of elementary and end of middle school.  I don't remember that ever happening when I was a kid.  That being said, they did have a nice little ceremony for the "graduating" 5th graders, and yes I cried.  Would you expect anything else?

It wasn't that long ago that I remember walking her into Kindergarten on the first day of school, just six years ago.  In fact it was so not long ago that I wrote it about it here.  Yet, here we are just a few short school years later celebrating the fact that she is done with elementary school and will soon be taking on a new much scarier challenge, middle school.  (Dun dun DUN!!!)

The ceremony at her school for her 5th grade promotion was full  the kids singing songs and reminiscing about their days at their elementary school aloud to the auditorium full of weepy parents.  It was all scripted, well choreographed and quite entertaining.  In all honesty, I was prepared to be bored in our hot un-airconditioned auditorium for two hours, with my only reward at the end a chocolate chip cookie from Portos.  Which if you know anything about Portos is a pretty damn good reward, but still, TWO HOURS.  I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly it moved along and how fun it was to reminisce along with the kids and listen to their songs.  Of course they called each child up to receive their "diploma", which may have been the most boring part except when Sonya got hers naturally.  There was one song they sang in particular that made me tear up and the slide show they presented choked me up as well.  However, it was the last thing they did that had me close to sobs. 

Every year a certain number of 5th grade students receive the Presidential Academic Award.  This is an Award that out of Sonya's class of 130 students only 23 achieved.  Sonya was the second name called to the stage.  I tried to take a picture or two, but it's hard to keep a camera steady when you are muffling sobs.  I was so proud of her.  This little girl who Andy and I struggled with whether to send  to school at 4 years old, not only did well throughout her six years in elementary, but did extremely well. So well she got a signed (stamped) letter from The President. This little girl who was almost a year younger than some of her best friends, kept up with them and in most cases surpassed them academically.  This little girl, who I realized as she stood on that stage accepting her award, was not such a little girl anymore.  

How did this happen??  I feel sometimes like I missed it, but then I know I didn't because I can still recall every project I helped her with, and every friend she told me about.  I was there for the struggles of homework, the joys of doing well on a test,  and the problems with other kids from time to time.  Then there were the panic attacks she had last year, when she struggled with learning about the human body and worrying about her own mortality.  She has always come to me or Andy and talked to us about school or friends or whatever problem she was having.  In some ways I feel like emotionally she hasn't been ready for every grade, but she's always managed to come through with flying colors.  Now as she heads to middle school this fall, (or later this summer I should say), I worry that the little girl who is not so little anymore, will start to become distant from us.  We might not get to help with every project or hear about every friend.  She might shut us out if there is a girl being mean or she can't handle a certain subject.  I know this, because I know this is what every tween-teenage girl does, including myself at that age.  And this my friends, this is what makes me cry the most.  

Years ago, when I started this blog, I could have paid for college if I had a dollar for the number of moms who came up to me telling me, "enjoy them  now because it goes so fast!" Some of them much older and by themselves, some of them with a bored teenager standing close by rolling her eyes at her mom talking to a stranger.   I remember at the time, when I was housebound 90% of my life thinking-"it's not going fast enough lady!"  Now I find myself in Target or the grocery store alone and seeing younger moms with babies and toddlers struggling to get just one errand done, and I have to resist that same  urge to run to them and tell them the same things so many woman said to me just six years ago.  

It does go fast.  Way too fast and I know that now.  I still have some time to go with all of my girls before they leave us physically, but I am well aware of how I'm going to blink and Sonya will be graduating for real.  From High School.  So even though the summer sometimes drives me crazy what with having to drag them to Target and the grocery store, while refereeing multiple fights throughout the day, I will do everything I can to hold on to these days and have as much fun with them as I can, while they will still let me.  I know soon enough they will be trading time with me for time with friends, and (gulp) boys.  Then I will be left to sit in a dark room listening to "Cats in the Cradle" on repeat.  Hmmm...Is 41 to old to have my husband reverse his Vasectomy and have another baby??

In all seriousness, I am so proud of the daughter we have raised thus far.  I know she will continue to grow into a strong, smart, fun, sweet young woman.  Whether she talks to me or not.  

The Beginning of the Emotional Puberty Roller Coaster

Lately I have been dealing with something that is both familiar and foreign to me.  Yes, I know that is an oxymoron, but I will explain.  Sonya is ten.  I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but ten is an age where things start to happen.  You know, puberty wise.  The truth is, she has been kind of on and off moody for about a year now, but in the past few months it has started to increase and intensify.  I knew we were in trouble the other day when she came home from school, completely irritated, in a bad mood, and crying in bursts.  When she finally admitted she was upset, after arguing that she wasn't, all she could tell me was, "I don't know!  I don't know why I am acting like this!"  I do, and I remember it well, but damn I'm not ready to mother it yet.

I honestly don't remember what age it started for me, but boy do I remember feeling like she did the other day.  Truth be told I still feel that way sometimes usually around once a month, but it's not as intense and I know better how to handle myself since I'm adult.  Well most of the time anyway.  But I remember being that age and just feeling so distraught and not having a reason to feel that way really.  I did feel like my world was about to end, just because my sister did something to annoy me, or I couldn't find the right shoes to go with my dress, or because in that moment the sky was the wrong color -dammit!  Yeah, completely irrational.  The other day Sonya came home and started stomping around the house for no reason other than to let everyone else know she was upset.  Here was my biggest problem with her.

"Sonya?" I asked very nicely.  "What's going on, hon?"

"Nothing," she said angrily.   Certainly sounds like nothing!  I pressed on.

"Okay, well you seem to be upset about something and are acting like it." I told her.

"No I'm not," she argued.  "I'm acting fine, mom!"

Oh yes, because you yelling at me telling me you are acting fine means you are perfectly fine! See here is where I have the problem.  This drives me insane.  If you are in a bad mood, even if it's for no apparent  reason, just ADMIT it!  Say-"Listen everyone, I'm in a bad mood, I don't know why and I just want to be left alone."  Done!  We leave you alone.  This is what I do during those once a month times.  I just warn them all.

"I'm bitchy today because I feel bitchy and you would be smart to steer clear of me." Love, Mommy.

Then nobody can say I didn't warn them.  Lana gets this.  When she is in a bad mood she will tell us and then put herself in her room to be left alone.  Not Sonya.  She doesn't ever want anyone to think any less of her, so she is not in a bad mood, and if she is she certainly is not admitting it. So unfortunately, because her not admitting it irritates me, things escalated and she eventually ended up crying in her room, while I sat out in the kitchen fuming.

At one point Andy called and he talked to her for a bit.  She was reluctant to talk to him at first, but after she did she seemed calmer.  But no.   I called her for dinner and  we were right back at it.  Me asking her what was going on, her saying there was nothing.  WTF?!  That was when I realized.  It WAS nothing.  I remember feeling that way so many times as a tween to teen to adult.  I was just sad and mad at the world and my mom getting mad and grilling me did nothing but make me more upset and angry.  This was it.  The beginning of the puberty emotional coater.  Yay.

So after dinner, I pulled her aside and told her I got it.  Although she didn't really get it herself.  I explained that she was going to be going through a lot of changes over the next few years (God help us all!) and that these changes were going to make her feel this way from time to time.  She was going to feel upset and angry for what seemed to be no reason.  It was called hormones and we woman have to deal with them our WHOLE lives.  From puberty, to pregnancy, to menopause.  We really don't get a break do we?  Then I reminded her how I sometimes get cranky around my period and she agreed.  She was a little quick to agree I will say, but whatever.

"Do you remember what I say around that time?" I asked.

"Nooo..."

"Sometimes I say to you guys 'mommy's in a bad mood today guys.  It's nothing anybody did, I'm just having a rough day so please try not to make it worse'.  Do you remember me saying that sometimes?" I said.

"Yes," she agreed.

"Then you guys know what's going on and that you should try to behave a bit better, right?  There is nothing wrong with me telling you guys that and there is nothing wrong with you saying the same thing to us." I told her.  "This way I know how you are feeling and can help you, and also keep your sisters from making you more crazy because I know how that is too, ok?"

"Okay," she said.

"This is going to be happening to you a lot more and we have to find a way to work together through it, right?"

"Yes!" She said.  "Thank you, mommy.  I love you lots," then she gave me a hug and went back to her sunshine self.  The puberty cloud seemed to have lifted for the moment.  

I know this is only the tip of a very gigantic iceburg for me.  Not only do I have her to navigate through puberty, but two more very close behind.  Hopefully we can all make it out on the other side in one piece.  My sisters and I somehow managed to, and I believe my whole family was closer after all the growing up was said and done.  Sorry mom and dad for how shitty we were sometimes.  I know this is gonna suck, but hopefully it will make my family stronger in the end too.  I may just need to start scheduling mom weekends away every other month.  Or at least start buying wine in box form.  Perhaps both.  

She's Baaaaacck!

So for any of you wondering, yes Sonya came back safe and sound last Friday afternoon.  She had a fantastic time and talked ALL DAY LONG about her adventures at OSS.  They did so many things, from hikes, to rock wall climbing, archery to astronomy.  She did get to bunk in a cabin with all of her best friends and surprisingly nobody fought.  Well, at least none that she told me about.  She definitely missed us as we we missed her.  Although, to be honest it wasn't to hard the first day or two.  She is gone so much these day with extracurricular activities, that it wasn't until the day to day of breakfast or dinner or bedtime, that I started to really noticed her absence.  Then it started to get hard.  

My little girls said they missed her too.  I will admit, having one less to take care of was a bit nice since there was less fighting, but only a little less.  No worries-there was still fighting that occurred with those two.  I swear they are going to be in their 90s, in a home, bickering and making up until the day they die.  

Anyway, it was a good experience for all of us.  Lana and Georgia realized they liked having their big sister around and she missed them.  They were all actually really nice to each other for about the first two hours she was home.  I think two hours was the limit.  The novelty of missing someone wears off quickly.  

The important part about all of this is the fact that she did get to go away and be on her own.  Out of my three girls, Sonya has always been the one who has clung to us the most.  She is the kid who cried EVERY DAY for TWO MONTHS when I dropped her off at preschool.  Since she was five years old she has worried about growing up and moving away from home.  I assured her then that she won't feel like that forever, but I don't think she believed me.  So when this trip finally came up she and I were both a bit nervous.  She did it though and she realized what a great time she can have on her own.  She learned that she can take care of herself,  and that there are other people even more messy than she is.  

I feel so incredibly lucky that my kids go to a school where a program like this is possible.  For those of you out there who don't have something like this at your school, I encourage you to find a sleep away camp this summer for kids about this age.  It doesn't have to be for more than a few nights, but just those few nights can boost a kids confidence about themselves and their place in this world.  In a time where we are afraid to let our kids ride their bikes four streets over by themselves, and we tend to "helicopter parent" over everything they do, it's important that we give them this freedom.  It's important for them and for us as parents.  Yes, you might think that 10 is to young, and it is to be completely on their own, which these kids weren't.  They had camp counselors and teachers there.  Don't worry, they were still watched, just not by their parents.  Well unless you count the pictures we could see on Facebook.  However, they are all so used to that because it's their reality.  I loved being able to see Sonya having a great time.  It made me feel better to know she was happy, even if I didn't have any contact with her for four days.  

So yeah-I know I'm up here on my soapbox, but I just see so many parents these days who don't let their kids out of their sight.  Even at ten.  This is going to lead to a generation of kids who don't know how to do anything on their own.  If you are one of these parents, think about loosening the apron strings even if you don't want to completely cut them yet.  Let them ride that bike four streets over.  Send them away for a few days.  Let them discover who they are on their own.   If you don't, you will have nobody to blame but yourself when you have your 32 year old "baby" still sitting on your couch watching cartoons every Saturday morning.  

Thanks to Bret Harte for helping me loosen my own apron strings.  In three and four years I get to do it all again!

She's Leaving Home

This morning Andy and I waved goodbye to our ten year old daughter for the next 5 days.  Well, 4 ½ really.  Yup, she is gone all this week.  Her elementary school does this field trip every year for the 5th graders.  It's called Outdoor Science School or OSS.  They drive two hours away and stay at a campsite in the mountains.  It's near Big Bear for those of you familiar with Southern California.  Then they do all kinds of fun science related things.  It's supposed to be a blast. I've known about this trip since she was in kindergarten.  But again, it was a "someday" she will go.  Those somedays are coming quicker and quicker.  

I held it together for her this morning, even though I thought I was going to lose it a couple times.  It actually helped that her bus took a bit longer to get going because of a problem they were having closing the emergency door, after the bus driver showed them how to open in case there was an emergency.  The other buses had already gone and we must have waved goodbye to the students on her bus at least five times before it finally left, so it was a bit comical.  That made it a bit less sad for me, and for her I'm sure.  She was definitely excited to go on this trip, but there were tears at bedtime last night.  I remember going away from home when I was her age for almost two weeks.  On an airplane!  And I wasn't really with anyone I knew!  Yeah, I don't know what my parents were thinking, but I survived.  

We had talked about the story of me going away many times over the past few months when she became nervous about leaving.  I think it helped her to hear that what she was feeling was totally normal.  I hear from parents who have already gone through this that the kids come back completely changed.  A bit more mature and independent.  I'm also hoping that it takes away some of the attitude she likes to cop with us.  Although, I'm not holding my breath on that one.  Can't say I will miss that, but I know I will miss her like crazy.  It's going to be weird having only two to deal with for a few days.  Sure Sonya has gone over to friend's to spend the night, but never for this long.  On the plus side, I plan on making every meal she complains about and the little two are excited because some of them are their favorites.  That along with doing an overhaul of her room should make this a little more bearable for me anyway.  Andy is better than I am, and just kept saying "It's really only three days! It's fine!" Yeah, we'll see who is more sad tomorrow.  I tend to get my emotions out of the way at the beginning of something.  You know how men are though. He'll break eventually.  

So here I am at yet another milestone with one of my kids.  Leaving home for a few days.  I know this is just a taste of things to come later on down the road, but I'm sure she will have a great time and yes I will eventually stop weeping and be fine.   Now excuse me while I go refill my Xanax prescription.  

Saying goodbye to her sisters

With her besties, Lilianna and Charlotte

Kicking The Habit

When I first started this blog I talked about the blankies each one of my girls had.  Sonya and Georgia both used their blankies along with sucking their thumb as their way to relax.  Lana skipped the middle man and just sucked on her blankie, which yes, is just as gross as you imagine.  I will be honest, they all still have their blankies, but they are not dragged all over the place every day as they once were.  They are only for bedtime as just a security.  Really,  I never really cared much that they had them. I had a Dumbo stuffed animal from the time I was 5 that I slept with while sucking my thumb.  He came to college with me.  What I cared more about was the bad habit of sucking on their thumbs/blankies that went along with their lovies.

The thumb/blankie sucking was something I was always concerned about.  However, when you have a nine month old and she can comfort herself in the middle of the night by sucking on her thumb, giving you an extra 20 minutes of sleep, you're not really thinking about the fact that some day you will have to break her of that habit.  Someday is soooo far away when you have a 9 month old.  You're just thinking, "Thank God that thumb is attached to her body so I don't have to leave this bed and help her find it."  Then when they get older  you start to realize that perhaps this may be a problem at some point.  Especially when you start to think about the fact that the habit may lead to braces.  If you don't know-braces are a small fortune.  With three kids in them, it's more of a middle size fortune. A family trip to Hawaii-TWICE- fortune, if you will.  

I consulted with the girls' pediatrician and dentist about each of their habits.  They both told me the best thing to do was to leave it alone.  So far the damage was not severe in any of them, especially because they still have baby teeth. They assured me that most kids by 6 or 7 will stop on their own.  This made sense to me,  since I myself was a thumb sucker.  I did indeed kick the habit all on my own.  I remember it clearly.  It was right before I started second grade and I thought to myself that I was to old to be sucking my thumb, so I slept on my hand for a week.  I remember how hard it was to fall asleep that first night, but I did it and I knew they would be able to as well, when they were ready.

I was not wrong.  Sonya stopped when she was around 6 ½-7.  I can't remember exactly when it was, but she came to me and told me she wanted to stop sucking her thumb.  My sister had just weened her daughter off of her thumb sucking habit and had used something called Mavala Stop.  It is the typical paint the thumbnail and make it taste bad technique.  Sonya knew this and wanted to try it to help remind her.  So I ordered it and the day it arrived we used it.  It took her all of one night to stop.  Sure, that first night she had a bit of trouble sleeping but by night two it was easier, and night three not even a thought.  I breathed a sigh of relief at how easy it was!  What are the chances they would all be this simple?  Then I remembered that nothing was really simple with my adorable second born child.  

So Lana.  I was petrified about trying to get Lana to stop sucking her blankie.  I mean painting a nail is one thing, but what do you do with a kid who puts a blankie in her mouth?  I couldn't paint the whole blankie with that stuff.  Believe me, I considered it.  The only solution was to just take away blankie.  This was something I was not willing to do until I absolutely had to.  So for a year and a half we talked on and off about how she was going to stop using her blankie.  I thought that maybe if I painted the finger nails  she sucked on under the blankie, that might work.  Her blankie has thinned out so much over the years, surely she would be able to taste some of the bitterness on her nails and stop putting them, along with her blank, in her mouth.  Over this past summer one night we tried it.  She couldn't taste it at all and continued the habit.  Back to the drawing board.

I'll be honest, I kept putting it off and ignoring it.  The only time she even used it was when she went to sleep at night.  So really it was only in her mouth 10 minutes tops each day.  I mean that's fine right?  She could go to college like that?  Who cares?! 

Part of the reason I was hesitating on cutting her off was because blankie was a security for me.  It's well documented on here that Lana is queen of the temper tantrums.  She can destroy half a days time in our house with just one or two of her tantrums.  They have certainly gotten better over the years, but she still has them when she doesn't get her way, is tired, hungry or just generally cranky.  She is just a very fiery girl.  Always has been from the time she came into this world.  So her blankie would be her way to calm down more quickly when she was in the middle of a tantrum.  It was like handing a smoker a cigarette and a lighter.  Within a few minutes of sucking on her blankie, the tantrum would subside and she would become normal again.  How the hell was I going to get through tantrums if I didn't have blankie to rely on?  So yes,  I was a bit lazy and didn't want to go through the withdrawal myself.  If you'd ever seen a Lana tantrum you would totally be on my side with this one.  You would have found a college that encouraged students to bring childhood blankies they sucked on.

I didn't force her to stop, not yet.  I figured once she hit 8 in March we really had to figure something out.  I mean 7 is pushing it to still have a sucking habit, but 8...8 is just to old for that kind of thing.  I would mention to her from time to time that we needed to think about getting rid of it. Of course that statement was always met with some kind of whine or whimper.  We tried to come up with ways that would still allow her to have her blankie, but no longer suck on it.  Unfortunately there weren't really any options.  I finally told her that when she was ready, maybe I could lay with her until she fell asleep without sucking on blankie.  I also said we could put it somewhere nearby like the end of the bed or under her pillow, that way it would still be around, but she wouldn't really be using it.  I thought this was a way to provide a bit of comfort to her and baby step out of the habit.  She thought that sounded like a good idea.  Better than the other one I had-which was to put it in a plastic baggie to keep her from sucking on it.  This was hard for me, dammit!

For a couple weeks she would say something about maybe me laying with her at night.  Then she would decide not that night.    I could tell she was getting used to the idea and trying to talk herself into it, so I didn't push it.  Then she came to me one evening and told me she was ready.  She wanted me to lay with her until she fell asleep so she could give up her blankie.  I would have been more willing and excited if she wouldn't have picked the Monday BEFORE THANKSGIVING!  Like I don't have enough shit to do already that week!  So much cooking and preparing!  Who has time to lay with their 7 year old for an hour while she tries to fall asleep without her vice?  There was that part of me that hesitated and almost told her we would wait for the weekend-after Thanksgiving was over and I didn't have as much to do at night.  Then I thought-"don't be so stupid! If SHE wants to do this now,  you do this NOW!" So I did.  Because who has time for that shit? A mom does.  We will always make the time.

That night I layed with her for about 45 minutes.  A couple of times she told me she was having a hard time and really wanted to suck on her blankie.  I told her I completely understood, but that she was doing great.  Eventually she fell asleep. The next night Andy layed with her, but she feel asleep quicker. It took maybe 25 minutes.  By the third night she told us, 

"I'm fine.  I don't need you  to sleep with me anymore.  I don't need to suck on blankie."

And she didn't.  She was done.

Two nights.  Just like her sister, two nights.  I never pushed her or forced her and I let her come to me to tell me when she was ready. The same thing we did with Sonya. I honestly believe this is the best way to break kids of their thumb/blankie sucking habit.  The younger they are, the harder it is to break them of their habit, because they don't understand the need to break them of their habit.  At 7, they get it.  They know it's something they can't do forever.  Not to mention, most of their friends aren't sucking on their thumbs.  Going to sleepovers might start to get a bit embarrassing if they are still in the habit at night.  That is most likely what pushed me into stopping when I was 7.  Plus it helps that we gave her the incentive of going to her favorite place for breakfast if she made it a week without out.   

I also believe that if you wait until they are a bit older, they don't find something to replace the sucking habit, like with nail chewing.  Although Georgia already seems to be doing that as well, so she may be getting a full manicure with the Mavala Stop.  

Lana still has her blankie under her pillow, but she doesn't suck on it anymore.  As far as the tantrums...well so far it is taking a bit longer to calm her down. At least the tantrums themselves aren't as frequent at they were a couple years ago.  Plus, Santa brought a standing punching bag for her to take her aggression out on. So instead of sucking on blankie she can just beat the shit out of that.  Thanks Santa!

Now that I've been through this twice, I am thankful for how much easier it was than I originally thought it would be.  Of course, I suppose I shouldn't speak to soon.  I still have one more to go.  Georgia has already been talking about trying to stop ever since Lana did.  Then we get to night time and she decides she's not quite ready.  I figured I would give her until the summer and then we would try to push her a little more.  Unlike Lana, I'm not as concerned about her stopping because she doesn't need her thumb for tantrums.  She strictly sucks her thumb to go to sleep at night.  No, I'm more saddened about her stopping, because it really is the last bit of babyness that I will have to let go of.  Don't worry!  I will help her to stop soon.  I won't make this about me and my sadness of my kids growing up.  However, I think that so far my methods for this part of parenting have been proven successful twice and I plan on getting a perfect score here, so I'm not rushing her.  Well, at least not until it's time to send her off to college.  

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow....

Hello everyone!  Christmas has been kicking my ass this year, which is why it's been radio silence for a month from this blog.  However, I have so many stories in my head that I had to get at least one out now.  So, I decided to do this instead of address my Christmas cards.  They might not go out until after Christmas at this point.  Whatever.  Hopefully I will have some down time over the next couple weeks and be able to write a few more stories.  This one happens to be about the latest star in our family, Sonya.

At the beginning of the school year all three girls signed up to be in the school musical.  A production of "Annie".  My friend, Elisa, who helped to bring the musical program to our school, swore Sonya would play Annie.  I was hesitant and doubtful for a few reasons.  I've mentioned before that Sonya isn't always one to get up and perform, and certainly not on her own.  She's usually good in groups and has performed as part of the chorus in past musicals, but this-this would be an entire show about her character.  As it turned out Elisa was right and the director did cast Sonya as Annie.  I honestly had no idea how this was going to go down.  

The day Sonya came home and told me she got the part she was ecstatic.  I was happy for her too, but I gently reminded her that this meant she had to sing...alone.  Was she okay with that?  She assured me she was.  I took her for her word, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for how this was all going to turn out.   I wasn't even sure Sonya could sing well.  I've heard her sing along to songs in the car or in the shower with her sisters and she's certainly not tone deaf, but the lead in a musical is totally different.  I did have to keep in mind that this was a kids musical at elementary school and it wouldn't matter if she wasn't a fantastic singer.   Most of the kids can't sing so well, but the girl who was the lead in past plays, who recently graduated to middle school, had a beautiful voice.  Sonya had a lot to live up to.  

As the semester went on, she and her sisters, who were orphans, went to rehearsals once a week on Tuesdays, leaving me with a very long alone day.  A plus for me!  Andy and I wanted to run lines with her and she was usually hesitant, but she did do it with us a few times.  Although she didn't really need it.  She had her lines down in about the first two weeks.  I was always the same with acting and memorized lines very quickly.  

After about a month, the director gave us a CD for the girls to sing along and practice to.  I would play it in the car and they would go through "Hard Knock Life" and "N.Y.C", but anytime "Maybe" or  "Tomorrow" would come on Sonya would ask me to go to the next song.  She refused to sing alone in front of me. Now I was really starting to become nervous.  Was she going to be horrible?  Not that I would love her any less, but I didn't want her to embarrass herself.  For the life of me I will never understand those parents who encourage their children in a talent they are obviously not good at.  Like all those moms standing outside American Idol insisting the judges don't know what they're talking about, after their precious baby couldn't hit one note.  I refuse to be that mom.  Still, I didn't push.  

Then one morning we were in the kitchen and the girls were helping me clean up after breakfast on a Saturday.  Lana ran into her room to get her CD player and the "Annie" CD so they could practice.  She and Georgia were more than happy to sing in front of us over and over again.  They all went through their group songs again that I had already heard.  Then the beginning of "Maybe" started.  I told Sonya I wanted her to practice it.  So she did, begrudgingly.  All I can tell you is that it's a good thing my back was to them as I stood at the sink to wash dishes, because I was doing everything I could to hold back tears.  Her voice was better than I had ever expected.  After she finished, "Tomorrow" started and I encouraged her to sing that one to, but she told me she already knew it and moved on. 

The day of the show, Sonya was a nervous mess most of the day. There was a whole thing about her hair and the wig she had to wear, that she was (excuse the pun) wigging out about.  I did my best to reassure her and tell her it was going to be great and not to worry.  But she was worried.  How could she not be?  Andy and I were kinda right there with her.  The night of the show I was still nervous for her, but at least I felt more confident in her ability.  However, I wasn't quite sure how it was going to turn out.  Perhaps "Maybe" was the only song she could sing?  What if she forgot her lines?  As Andy and I sat in the audience, listening to the overture, waiting for the curtain to open, he leaned over and said,

"I can't do this.  I can't watch this."

"Me neither, " I told him.  "I feel like I'm going to throw up."

Having both done theater ourselves, we knew what she was feeling and we seemed to be channeling  that into a parental way.  

Within the first five minutes I knew this was going to be great and she was going to be awesome.  And I know I'm biased, but you guys she so was.  Not to mention the fact that I cried for about the first fifteen minutes as well.  This time I just let it go when she sang "Maybe".  Listening to "Tomorrow" wasn't any better for my mascara.   I can't forget about my little girls.  Lana had a couple lines she delivered beautifully and she and Georgia knew their dance steps and their songs spot on.  However, Sonya was the star.  Rightfully so, since she was Annie.  

After the show and for a week later, I had parents coming to me telling me how amazing she was and how beautiful her voice was and how long had I had her in voice lessons?  Ummm...never.  A few people told me I needed to help her pursue a singing career, but to be honest, as much as she liked doing it and had a great time, this is not something she has a bug for.  Well not yet anyway.  Who knows what the future will bring, but for now she's just a ten year old kid having fun singing and acting in an elementary school musical.  I'm not calling Broadway just yet.  But in the meantime you can check her out and see what you think.  I am so incredibly proud of the job she and her sisters did. It was one of those moments as a parent where you think, Yup.  I helped make this little person and I did damn good.  (So far.)

Double Digits

My baby turned 120 months last week.  Can you believe she is that old already?  I mean 120 months is so big.  Fine she is 10.  Ten years old.  I was trying to still feel like she was little but 120 months just sounds so ridiculous.  Just about as ridiculous as people who refer to toddlers as being 39 months.  Come on!  They are three!  Don't make me do math in my head to figure out how old your kid is in years.  Once a kid gets past a year and a half the months should end.  Just saying.  But I digress.  Ten.  My oldest daughter is ten.

I'm not quite sure how ten years past so fast.  There was a time I thought ten days was taking a lifetime, but now time just seems to sprout wings and take off whenever I try to hold on to it.  It's amazing how much you learn in ten years of raising a human being.  I realized my capacity for how much I can love someone else.  Someone, who for a very long time, gave me nothing in return, but smiles and giggles.  Who would ever put up with someone in their life who took everything, and did nothing but smile at us and be okay with it?  A parent.  Although, I will say that once they leave the toddler stage the just smiling thing doesn't work all the time.  They do have to up their game with a hug or two.  

I discovered I had more patience than I imagined and how hard it is to keep that patience a good 99% of the time.  I love my girls so much though, that I have no choice but to try and harness that patience as much as possible.  It doesn't always work, as you all may have read.  From time to time I lose that patience and then I pay for it later with the other emotion that has taken over as a mom...guilt.   Mom guilt is a serious affliction and it effects 100% of the moms I know in one way or another.  It doesn't matter if you stay at home, work full time, part time or are Martha Stewart.  At some point in time, and in a lot of cases all the time, mom guilt will get you.  It is my least favorite part about being a mom and it's impossible to get rid of because of the love for your kids.  Ah! Vicious cycle!  

I've learned how to be more empathetic, trying to see things from another perspective.  Not only from my daughters' side of things, but through the eyes of my own mother who experienced many of the same things raising three girls herself.  There have been a number of "Oooohhhhh...." moments over the years, when I've thought about my own childhood and realized where she may have been coming from.  I have a feeling those moments may start to come more fast and furious now that the teen years loom ahead.  I've also developed more empathy for both of my younger sisters.  Because I'm raising three girls, I see the dynamic of their relationship from this side.  I see where I might have been somewhat of a pain in the ass big sister from time to time.  I see it in Sonya.  She is constantly saying the very cliched "You don't understand!" when it comes to matters of her sisters, to which I tell her, "Nobody understand better than I do."  I see it from all sides now and it has helped me to be a better older sister and try to teach Sonya to be better to her sisters.

Then there is the selfless part of all of this.  The putting your kids' needs above every one of your own.  That might be the hardest lesson to learn, because let's face it, we are all selfish by nature.  We all want what is best for ourselves, until we have a kid.  Then we only want what is best for them.  I suppose they are an extension of ourselves, so in a way it's still a bit selfish, but it doesn't feel like it when you give up the last piece of chocolate cake to your little one.  Dammit, you love chocolate!  Then again you don't need the calories anyway, and she looks so cute with chocolate all over her face.    Although, we know it's not just giving  up cake, but your entire life.  Sleep means something entirely different after kids.  Free time is basically sleep.  You give everything of yourself, because you want them to be as happy as possible.  Plus this helps alleviate the mom guilt.  There is that fine line of being selfless and spoiling, so you have to be careful.  Still you will do what it takes to make sure they are happy-without being to spoiled.  

My entire life I wanted to have kids.  It was never a question of if for me, but always of when, when when?  I was excited to have kids.  I thought I was going to be the best mother there ever was.  God was I deluded.  Don't get me wrong, I love my girls more than anything and would not change a thing about having them, but this job is harder than I ever expected.  Learning this much patience (even as I write this and the girls are in the other room doing exactly what they are NOT supposed to be doing), having this much empathy, trying to be selfless...it's not easy.  The easy part is loving them, because you just do.  Although that can also be hard, because anytime something doesn't work out for them or hurts them, it kills you.  Plus there are the times they act like jerks and you don't like them very much, but I know I will always love them no matter what.  

So as I look back over these last ten years and see what Andy and I have accomplished as parents, I am proud of what we have done so far.  Our girls are not perfect, far from it, but most of the time they try so hard to be good kids.  They are friendly, kind, courteous, caring, loving, silly little girls. When we were in Hawaii, every place we went people told us how well behaved our girls were.  How amazed they were at their politeness.  Sonya is leading that pack.  The constantly screaming infant from a decade ago has turned into such a sweet, smart, empathetic, fun loving, kind hearted, independent, curious girl.  Yes, she has her moments where she has too much attitude or thinks she knows all about the world, but I remember being there.  All it will take is for her to have her own daughter one day to knock her down a peg or two and become an even better person.  (But not for a long long time.) 

Happy tenth birthday beautiful girl.   Who knew raising a human being would help make me a better one?  Thank you for doing that for me. 

10 days

10 years

Surprising the Hell Out of Me

Last week, on September 11th, the girls' school had a little assembly, just for the kids, in remembrance of what happened 13 years ago.  Wow.  13 years.  None of the kids at the school were even born then.  For them the events of September 11th are what Pearl Harbor is to a lot of us.  It's difficult trying to explain it to them at this age, but we do in a very factual no details sort of way.  They get the idea of it and understand that it's a day where we come together as a country and mourn  the loss of those who died and a bit for our sense of safety.  

During the assembly they do the Pledge of Allegiance and sing the Star Spangled Banner.  I had totally forgotten that they do this assembly until I was headed into the school later in the morning.  

Side note-since I've had all 3 of them in school I have been working for the school part time.  Without pay.  I say that because I have volunteered for a few things that required a ton of my attention this first month of school.  All those closets I thought I'd have cleaned out by now with the girls in school all day, continue to need cleaning out.  I don't know if I will ever have time for anything other than school and Girl Scouts.  Everyone keeps asking me, "What are you doing with all of your free time now?" Yeah-what free time?  Admittedly I do it to myself, because I can't just be one of those moms who drops off her kids and then sits at home watching TV for hours.  So I wanted to help out more.  However, I need to learn when I'm overdoing it.  Of course my mom has never figured that out and she's 63, so I might be  in trouble.  Moving on!

As I was walking into the school, the principal was on her way out.  She knows all three of my girls and, since I'm so involved, me as well.  She stopped me on my way into the school to let me know that Sonya sang the Star Spangled Banner in front of the entire school.  Huh?  MY Sonya?  Long blond hair, 5th grade, "I'm not one for performing" Sonya?  Yup.

Apparently what had happened was this.  Ms. Taylor (the principal) asked Sonya's teacher if she could have a couple of the 5th graders lead everyone in the Pledge.  Well Sonya's teacher immediately picked out Sonya and her best friend Charlotte who are two smart, very well behaved girls.  When they got up there to lead the Pledge, Ms. Taylor joked that afterward they were going to sing a solo of our National Anthem.  Then she laughed it off, but Sonya said "OK".  So they did the Pledge and with microphone still in hand, Sonya went into her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.  In all honesty I wasn't even aware she knew all the correct words to it.  

According to Sonya, she thought Charlotte was going to sing with her, but when Sonya tried to hold the microphone between them Charlotte pushed it back Sonya's way, so she shrugged it off and kept going.  Now I wasn't there to witness this, and I have no idea how she sounded, but who the hell cares?  I was absolutely shocked that my child who tends to embarrass easily and worries what other people will think, got in front of her entire school to belt out a song.  I was also extremely proud of her.  Proud of the fact that she knew the song well enough to perform it and proud of the fact that she had the guts to get up there and sing it.  

It's so interesting to watch your kids get older and turn into these people with their own thoughts, feelings, and ways about them.  This wasn't something I prepared her for or even suggested she do.  It was something she chose to do on her own.  It just shows what an awesome girl she is becoming.  Well, despite the fact that I still get a daily eye roll and a sarcastic comment thrown my way from her most days.  I blame that on the impending hormones.  Hearing about what she did  makes me feel  that Andy and I are doing a good job raising her as a confident, smart, self sufficient young lady.  To go from coaxing her to take a part in the Jungle Book in second grade to her stepping up to sing on her own 3 years later.  It makes me excited to see what she might do next.  Okay and maybe a little nervous, but mostly excited!

Losing A Little Bit of Childhood Magic

There comes a time with every kid when they really start to question whether the Easter bunny, Tooth fairy and the big guy-Santa are real.  I remember being about 7 or 8 when I realized the Easter Bunny and Tooth fairy weren't real, but held on to the idea of Santa until 9 or 10.  Sonya is 9 1/2.  The difference between us though is I never questioned my mom or dad about it, because I never wanted the answer.  As far as my mom knows I still believe in Santa.  Sonya, on the other hand, has always been a little to curious for her own good.  

I remember last year after St. Patrick's Day when the "leprechauns" came to our house, Sonya asked me then if I had done the antics she and her sisters thought the leprechauns had done.  I, of course denied it.  Over the year though, she started questioning me about other things, like the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny.  The Elf on the Shelf in December brought on a constant line of questioning- "Are you moving it?", "Is it really you putting him places?", "Does he really go anywhere?"  She was always suspicious and I just did my best to avoid her questions so as not to blatantly lie to her.  Then she asked the big one, "Are you Santa Clause?"

To which I answered, "Do I look like a fat man in a red suit with a beard?"

"Well, no," she replied.

"Then I guess I'm not Santa," I told her.  See, not lying, just avoiding.  

I was getting tired of avoiding though, and to be honest I hated that she kept asking me in front of her little sisters.  I mean it's one thing for her to get it and know, but they are still little and I'm not ready for them ALL to not believe.  I decided at some point this year we would have to talk about it, but I just wasn't sure when.  Then my opportunity came one night a couple of weeks ago when we were eating dinner.  I'm not sure what brought it up or why.  Perhaps it was talk of the Tooth fairy since they each had a lose tooth.  All I remember is Sonya saying again,

"Are you the leprechauns and the tooth fairy?"

I think I gave some sort of vague, "I don't know why you would think that," kind of answer.   I tried to change the subject, but she persisted and mentioned something about me maybe being Santa and Georgia said to Sonya, 

"Mommy isn't Sthanta!!"  Then she whipped her head over to me and said, "Are you??"

That was it.  I had to talk to Sonya about this.  I couldn't let the little girls lose their magic yet, even though Sonya's was all but snuffed out.  So after I put Lana and Georgia to bed that night I called Sonya into the kitchen. 

"Come here I want to talk to you for a second," I said.

"Oookkkaayy..." she was hesitant.  

"So you keep asking about the leprechauns and tooth fairy." I said.

"Yeah," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders, "Because I think it might be you doing it. Are you?" 

"What do you think?" I put it back to her.

"I'm not sure, I think you might be.  Are you??"

I sighed and looked at her, "Well, yes."  

"You ARE??!" She was a little upset.

"You knew that already, Sonya.  Isn't that why you kept asking?" I said to her.

"Yeah, I guess.  Wait! Ooohhh,  You are??"  

Then a little light went off in her head,  "Wait! Are you Santa too?"

Well, I certainly wasn't going to say "Those other silly things are totally made up, but the jolly guy who goes around the world, breaks into houses just to leave presents to good kids, he's totally real!" 

So I just gave her a "you already know the answer to this one too" look.  

"You're Santa?!" She said a bit shocked.  Then, then she started crying.  

It was around then that my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into a million little pieces right next to the place where I smashed my daughters.  I'm still trying to find a few missing pieces.  

"You are?!" She said again through tears.

"I'm sorry girlie," I said hugging her.  I explained to her that doing all those things when she was little was fun for everyone.  After all, didn't she have fun believing in Santa and the Tooth fairy?  She admitted she did.  I found a great letter a mom had written to her daughter when she asked about Santa.  I thought the mom's response was perfect and had saved it for this occasion.  I had Sonya read it hoping it would make her feel better.  

It didn't make her feel completely better but I think it helped a bit.  At some point during this wonderful coming of age hour, Andy came home from work and he also tried to help the transition.  We told her how she could help us now with the little girls.  Easter was coming up and she could help with the baskets.  This seemed to cheer her up a bit, although to be honest, I think she could have care less about Easter Bunny, the leprechauns or the Tooth fairy even.  The one that hurt her the most was Santa.  I get it.  I was devastated too when I finally came to terms with it myself.  It sucked.  What I worried about most though, was her becoming one of those people who felt "betrayed" by her parents and that she wouldn't want to do this with her own kids.  So we talked about why we did this and how we were doing Santa's job, like the letter said.  Would she have not wanted us to do this and would she have rather thought there was never a Santa?  The answer for her was no.  She loved every minute of it and was glad she had believed in him, and the others, once.  

I also made it very clear that she was not to tell her sisters about this.  I wasn't too worried about that though.  Sonya likes to be in with the parents and have secrets like this.  It makes her feel important and grown up.  Which is kind of ironic, because one of the things she kept saying  that night was how it made her feel sad and that she didn't want to grow up and know this stuff.  I knew she would keep the secret though and she was excited to help play Easter Bunny soon.

After all the tears and talking for about an hour, we finally sent her to bed.  She seemed to be okay, but a little sad.  Later on that night I was telling Andy how bad I felt.

"Do you think I ruined her for life?" I asked, mostly joking but half serious.

"Yup," he said sarcastically. "She's going to need therapy for a while."

"Andy!" I yelled at him.

"Seriously?  Every kid finds out about Santa at some time," he pointed out.

I guess that's true, I just felt bad that I had to be the one to tell her.  Why couldn't she just have kept her mouth shut like I did when I was a kid? I never questioned my mom.  Mostly because I didn't want the answer I had to give Sonya.  

Then the very next day she and Lana lost a tooth.  It was Lana's 5th tooth and the first tooth Sonya has lost in a year and a half.  It was one of the bigger ones.  Lana immediately when to write her letter to the tooth fairy upon losing her tooth.  This is something the girls have always done.  Sonya did start it.  Then I saw Sonya at her desk writing something as well.  

"Don't come in here!" She yelled.  "I don't want you to see this yet."

"Okay," I said.  

She played along with the whole tooth fairy gig and put her tooth in the tooth bear next her bed as did Lana.  She had put a note and picture next to it like she always had, but asked me not to look until I came to get it later.  I agreed.  

That night  I got this letter and picture:

The letter reads:

Dear "ToothFairy"

This is what my tooth fairy will look like when I'm older.  It's for you to always remember when I lost teeth.  Her name is Sylvia Flower Power.  I love u.

-Sonya

PS She stands!

Yeah, she's going to be okay.  I, however, will not.  I think I cried for about an hour.